When you’re a terrible and boring actor, Hollywood has a couple of tricks up its sleeve to make you more interesting. The easy one is to put a cut on your lip. A cut on a blank face shows you’re troubled by a fight without having to resort to too much acting.
Another trick, of course, is to get you to take your top off. If you’re a handsome young buck, or indeed, a comely maiden, you don’t have to do any acting at all if you’re in the nip.
This coincides nicely with the mutterings that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart want more sex scenes in the films they make, meaning that the fapping tweens might not be able to watch their films anymore because they’re suddenly R rated or something.
A few reports have surfaced about how steamed-up Rob and Kristen’s love scenes got down in Brazil while filming Breaking Dawn. You shrieking fans may have heard that the script calls for nudity too. We reckon most of you have already had a vision of what Robert Pattinson might look like with no clothes on already. That’s because you’re all horrific perverts.
Bill Condon, who is working on the flick, seems to have the ethos that, you shoot loads and loads and loads of stuff… way too much in fact… and then cop out all the crap. Like most directors then? Well, yes. What this means in real terms though, is that he’ll have to lop out all the sex and cock-shots so he can get the rating down to PG-13. So while you screw your little eyes up and try to imagine Kristen Stewart’s breasts or Robert Pattinson’s shapely ballbag, Bill Condon will have reels and reels of ghoulish genitals to ogle in his spare time.
And we didn’t make a joke about Condon sounding a bit like Condom in that whole paragraph. And yes, we do want a badge for it.
Of course, Pattinson and Stewart have the ability to see each other’s bared backsides whenever they like because they’re knocking their uglies together off-screen too. Naturally, the won’t indulge in such things for fear of raising their blood pressure ever so slightly, in an attempt to keep their ghostly pallor unblemished and of course, cling on to their title of Most Boring Celebrity Couple In Hollywood History.
Rumour has it that the couple take stills from adult films and photoshop their heads onto the participating actors, just so they can imagine what they might look like when they’re on the job. There was that time they did it with the light on, but sadly, so still were their bodies, that a moth (attracted by the bedside lamp) landed on Pattinson’s (on-top) arse and fell asleep.
Buzzkill.
Anyway, Breaking Dawzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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Angelia says
I think your article is rude and insulting to both actors. They are both beautiful people; but, that’s not why I want the sex scenes to be more graphic in Breaking Dawn. Trust me, I am not into pornographic material. I just like material that makes sense. In some of Stephenies’ books, the kissing scenes were far more highly sexually charged than the honeymoon scene and that left the last book lacking. Honestly, I never saw these books written for 10 year olds but teenagers. Honestly, we see more nudity on regular tv and some PG13 movies than fading out to black. I think the film should be shown as it was shot; and, then let the parents decide if their children should see it. And my opinion has nothing to do with wanting to see Kristin without her top or Rob’s ball sack as you so disgustingly put it. Not all viewers have their minds in the gutters as you obviously do!!
Oh please says
Oh PLEASE!!! About the only thing that would remotely make their films interesting is some decent nudity and at least a soft porn scene. Then it may be worth the price of renting it, still not worth paying theater prices for it, but I’d at least rent it.
Soph says
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.