hecklerspray knows the answer – you hand over the directorial reigns to a 42-year-old man who still thinks plastering yourself in tattoos and pretending to be best mates with the devil is, like, totally awesome. Step forward, then, Rob Zombie – a 'musician' and 'film-maker' whose last two projects – House Of 1000 Corpses and The Devils Rejects – were roughly about as entertaining and thought-provoking as lapping at a chemical toilet.
For those who don't know (and according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia) Rob Zombie is a cultural icon whose 'dreadlocks, gruff vocal style and fascination with horror movies have helped him become a distinctive element in American heavy metal.' In other words – he's the sort of none-too-subtle lunkhead adored by dim middle class teenagers during their 'difficult phase.'
Yeah – fuck you dad! I won't do my homework!
Anyway. Zombie has got his hands on Halloween – the story of naughty little suburban serial killer Michael Myers. Fans and critics, however, are a little bit sceptical that his remake won't quite match the standards of the original John Carpenter version.
Zombie has tried his best to put these worries to bed:
"The characters had been beaten to death over the last thirty years of sequels, so I thought the only way to do it was to start fresh. I really loved the original Halloween so my thought was to try and go about it as a completely different movie. I didn't want it to look or feel like (writer/director) John Carpenter's (original) movie because that would be pointless. The only reason I said yes was because I thought I came up with a way to do it. I didn't just do it to do it. I've taken away all the supernatural elements of Michael Myers."
All of which fails to placate hecklerspray completely. Still – at least things aren't a total disaster. They could have given the job to emotionally-stunted halfwit Eli Roth, who no doubt would have made all the victims attractive young women, thus giving him the ability to scream "Yeah! Die, bitch! That's for all the cheerleaders who wouldn't go out with me at school!" Just think: they could even have got similarly misogynist manchild Quentin Tarantino in on production duties.
Which would raise the question: could it have been any worse than Grindhouse?