Chris Brown, if you’re reading this, we want you to stay calm, OK? Take a deep breath. Try not to choke anyone unconscious.
It’s Rihanna. She’s moved on. Now, look, we understand that this news just makes you want to grab the nearest woman and smash their head repeatedly against a car window while you threaten to kill them and attempt to chew their ear off, but it’s too late for any of that. Rihanna has moved on. She’s formally announced that Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp is her boyfriend.
But you’re right, Chris Brown. Matt Kemp will never love Rihanna the way you did. That’s mostly because the way you loved Rihanna involved punching her in the face after she realised you might be cheating on her with your manager, but it still counts. Her loss, eh Chris?
The Chris Brown incident had a profound effect on Rihanna’s creative output. Her current album – the one recorded after Chris Brown was arrested for attacking her – is a bleak affair, full of songs about how she wants to shoot herself in the chest and boys who are rude. But you can expect Rihanna’s next album to be much happier, full of songs about moonbeams and daffodils and boys who make her heart go boopy-doopy-doo.
This is because Rihanna is in love again. Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show yesterday, Rihanna officially confirmed the rumours that she’s in a relationship with LA Dodger Matt Kemp. CNN reports:
“Umm, he’s my boyfriend,” the pop singer told Ryan Seacrest, following several months of speculation about a romantic connection. But don’t look for an engagement announcement. “It’s new, and it’s fun, and it’s nothing too serious, you know. I don’t want anything that’s going to take up so much of my energy and time right now in a bad way. I just want to have fun, and that’s what it’s about.”
Needless to say, Rihanna is taking a massive risk by letting Matt Kemp into her life. That’s partly because her trust has undoubtedly been damaged by what happened with Chris Brown last year, and partly because Matt Kemp is a professional athlete, so he has the upper body strength to really do some damage if he goes berserk and wigs out on her like Chris Brown did.
What’s more, as a professional athlete, Matt Kemp has got quite a thick neck, so he’ll never be able to pull off Chris Brown’s Powder Blue Bow Tie Of Contrition with the same aplomb as Brown did when he was trying to apologise for being such a bastard. Of course, the likelihood is that Matt Kemp would never have to wear Chris Brown’s Powder Blue Bow Tie Of Contrition because he’s hopefully not dumb enough to ever beat Rihanna up, but it would have been nice to have it as a fallback. You know, just in case.
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Paul says
Am sory 4 Chris bt am hapy 4u getin Matt hope you wl have enough funny moments.!
cb fan says
it’s good rihanna’s moved on! but leave chris out of this!
the says
And you may be a muderer or rapist how about that, sounds like you having flas backs, we talking about something happen 1 year ago, Matt is no better than Chris, he abuse his ex, stalk her and threw her out of the house, pleasee don’t let nothing happen to Rihanna, i see many sucides.
Leanne says
omg these pple act as if Chris is begging 2 get Rihanna bak and if so plz show me where that has been indicated. If Rihanna has moved on gd 4 her whats the point in linking the two of them 2getha? i know… just 2 make a story… just 2 get ppe 2 click on2 ur stupid site that makes irrelevant blogs abwt pple… like ne1 cares abwt wateva Rihanna does in her life what she does is what she does… Rihanna and Chris have both moved on from wat happened ova a year ago now and u pple need 2 do the same 2!!!
Sade says
Chris Brown has nothing to do with Rihanna getting a new botfriend, good for her. I’m so glad she moved on because she and Chris was never meant to be in the first place. That was the biggest mistake he made going with her, so now its over and she has move on, is so great and Chris should move on to and find someone who he would love and care for and will get the same in return. People just want a story eh, stueps!! Chris don’t want she, it have much nicer girls out there that Chris can have as his own, so people please, Rihanna what, she has nothing for Handsome Chris Brown. Just leave Chris Brown out of this please.
Chris Brown says
Rihanna is a dirtbox posing naked on the internet ‘Oops how did that happen’? Muppet! She will p1ss this guy off just like she did Chris Brown. She’s trouble. She will bring him down, then ditch him. That’s the kind of girl she is. She’s had too much too soon. She’s a brat. Hate it or love it, I’m right.
Peaches says
Come on rude boy are you big enough. No, fraid not.
giveitabreak says
Rihanna has accomplished what she wanted to do, which was to get her name back out in the press and tongues wagging about her again. She going on tour so she need to have her name in the press. Oh, and to say nothing of that lazy performance she gave on American Idol the other night. So happy she has announce to the public that Matt is her new boyfriend who feels her up in public, does not respect her body or her. His reputation is worse than a Chris Brown. Matt is an accused rapist, stalker and abuser. The best thing Chris Brown did for her was to get her out of his life. I believe Chris has given up enough for her. He took full responsibility for his and her actions and accepted the punishment. Rihanna has admitted no wrong and she is no weak weeping violet. She is such a pathlogical liar. You can not keep a lie hid forever, the truth will come out.
CHRIS BROWN FATHER says
HEY GUYS HAVE U WATCH RINHANA NEW VIDEO “RUDE BOY” ASKING FOR A RUDE GUY 2 GIVE IT TO HER? WELL SOMEONE SUMMIT AN APPLICATION AND SHE GOES ” AM SCARED” IN LIVE U GET WHAT U ASK FOR. ANYWAY CHRIS 4GET THE BITCH AND MOVE ON. WHO NEEDS A SLUT ANYWAY
JESSICA says
Rihanna i hate you so much i’m sick of you i just want to push you in the face so bad… i feel sorry for your new boyfriend cuz he deserves better than your dirty azz. The only reason people are buying your album because they feel sorry for your stupid azz i’m never going to buy your album “RATED R” lol. thats a stupid name how about “RATED BIG AZZ 4HEAD” yup datz better. What does chris brown have to do with this leave chris out of this please i am in CHRIS BREEZY TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chris i luv you baby keep doing your thang baby don’t let these’s haters get to you keep your head up high!!!!!
p.s rihanna i still hate you and alwayz will :p
CHRIS BROWN FATHER says
matt kempt looks like a thug 2 me
Bunny says
Again…..I’m sorry but I will keep putting this until you meet my demands. Get an intellegence test before people post, seriously, these comments make me want to punch people in the face Chris Brown style.
YOUR ALL FUCKING RETARDS
LovesChrisB says
People act like Chris B. is some where sitting around his moping about Rihanna! Please that bitch was replaced when he threw the first dam punch! No one was in that car but the two of them. She knows what really went down. She knows what she did to upset that man like that. I am not exscusing what he did but i’m sure he didnt just punch her ass! It looks to me like she is the one having trouble with the end of the relationship, running around here half naked singing all these crazy ass songs. Chris B. is not thinkging about that bitch. This new guy is just the rebound guy any way. She never really wanted to leave Chris she only did because of how it “looked” to every one. She should have just followed her heart and told every one to stay out of her dam business!! So she got a boyfriend!!!! Chris probably thinking…..Good may b people will stop linking this bitch with me now….
bodacious says
matt and rih looks lovely together . and every one deserves happiness in their lives , no matter what.
bodacious says
@ STEWART HERTIAGE,,,,thanks you wrote a beautiful article , and you told it just like it is and was ,,, many thanks to you for your writing of this article on rih and her new found love. and you can rest assured that once the many rihanna and matt haters find the article the more silly they are going to go crazy because they thinks that cb is a saint ,,, and he can’t do no wrong,,,, THEY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE COULD HAVE EAISLY KILLED THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL.I AM JUST GLAD THAT SHE FOUND OUT HIS CHEATING AZZ BEFORE IT WENT ANY FURTHER. AND SHE IS GOING ON WITH HER LIFE AND HES STILL SECRETELY TRYING TO RADDLE HER CAGE IN A COOL WAY . HE WANTS EVERYONE TO THINK THAT HES HAPPY AND GOING ON WITH HIS LIFE WHEN HES WORKING OVER TIME TO TRY AND GET TO RIHANNA TO TRY AND KEEP HER UPSET , HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SHE IS FINISHED WITH HIS LOW LIFE AZZ, PERIOD .ALL OF PSYCHO BROWNS FRIENDS THINKS THAT ALL OF THIS IS RIHANNAS FAULT AND CB DOES NOT WANT TO BE V BLAMED FOR DOING THIS HURTFUL THING TO RIHANNA ,,,, IF YOU LISTEN TO HIS PEOPLE THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THAT IT WAS THE EASTERS BUNNY FAULT!!!!!!!!
bodacious says
keep trying to defame rih that is your agenda, nothing good , jus all nit picking b/s,,, and its all good because rih aint going no place but straight up,,cb did not help her career all he did was try and kill her and defame her name and spread many, many lies on the net so as to make her (rihanna) less desirable to other men , and after that did not work ,,he then went and got the “ncfm) a men group to stand with him aganist a defensless woman ,,,,,, and he also talke down matt kemps younger brother who has autism,,,, psycho brown got on the net and talked about autism ,,,, now that is as low as a snake ,,,, and just plain blatant dirty to do that to a person who has a condition ,,,so keep bashing rihanna all you want becauce it seems that you can not get and keep her name out of your mouths ,,, and oh !!!! by the way the european leg of her tour is sold all the way out ,,,haters,,,, keep talking smack and keep eating them sand and rock pies ,,,,haters,,,
Ms Linda says
nobody cares if rhinna got a man good for her he is arebound man she is going to do the same thing to matt like she did chris i look at some picture of chris and rhinna they are young and was in love but she went to far and mess everything up and she know it chris have move on the judge did the best thing forchris she think she did something for rhinna WRONG the put a shinning star on that superstar chris brown so stop linking chris to rhinna thats DEAD he is doing his time and moving on that all of you with that bullshit because she is fading out she don’t know how to sing live she don’t know to dance and she can’t act and she was a shittit mess on america idol the only thing she know how to do is dress the bitch is bad so she needs to go and do something else because when she is on stage all she do is keep her legs open wide and pull that monster head back she is a beyonce jumpoff and everybody know it and is matt not going to marry someone he grabbing her ass and eating her cookies matt is not going to marry a whore so move on from chris because you let charlie sheen move on so let chris brown move on they say she rock on america idol yea rock a by by a mess nasty
bodacious says
@ giveitabreak,,,, yes matt did have a handfull of rih azz in his hands and oh how i wished that had been my nice tight azz matt had in his hands ,,,, don’t you silly people know that theres a lot of young women rih’s age with a house full of kids and have nothing to look forward to but a welfare check and food stamp ,,,,let rih show some of her body if she wants to . theres artist whos on the stage and have been showing their azzse since day one ,,,, rih is a good girl and theres many people who hates her for reporting psycho brown’s azz…. she was not bad mouthed like people are doing her now until the cb incident ,,, so all of his team chris , friends and family ,,,, who was looking forward to rihanna keeping them fed are all mad ,,,,and they are up 24/7 trying to tear this beautiful superstar down ,,,,,keep working over time haters,,AND DO HATERS EVER TAKE A BREAK ARE EVEN A VACATION?????GEEZ
bodacious says
AND I CAN NOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT WHEN RIH WENT TO COURT SHE DID NOT EVEN TALK BAD ABOUT THE LOW LIFE . DAM I WAS LIKE THROW THE BOOK AT HIS AZZ ,,, AND SHE WAS LIKE I AM CONCERNED ABOUT HIS FUTURE AND I WANT HIM TO MAKE IT IN THE INDUSTRY ,,,, I WAS LIKE DAM,,,, IN REALITY RIH CARED ABOUT CHRIS ,,,, BUT HE JUST KEPT SHOWING HER THE WARNING SIGNS,,, AND HE WAS TRYING TO TREAT RIH LIKE SHE WAS HIS PROPERTY AND TALKED ANY KIND OF A WAY TO HER ,,,, HE WAS OVERHERD SAYING TO RIH THE NIGHT OF THE INCIDENT ,,,LETS GO,,,KING OD LOUD AND SNATCHING HER BY THE ARM,,,, A NUTTY AZZ FRUIT CAKE ,,,,,SORRY ABOUT THE RANT BUT RIH IS A ARTIST THAT ME AND MANY , MANT FRIENDS HAVE WATCHED SINCE DAY ONE ,,, AND THE CAMERS HAD A LOVE FOR HER THAT THEY HAS KEPT EVEN TO THIS DAY ,,,
Muffy says
I bet a hundred dollars that Chris Brown doesn’t give a rat’s ass about who Rihanna is dating!
hellen says
wil not do wat chris breeezy did to her.they really look hot together. all the haters stut ur fucken big ASS LOOKING MOUTH and be happy that she moved on from that women beater chris brown.
hellen says
let the tru7th be told they look hot together
Roko says
Rihanna is great!
carter says
my thoughts…
*even though what cb did was wrong, i honestly think people r acting really b1tchy about it. wtf? nobody’s damn perfect. i bet all of you here bad- mouthing chris are the ones who has no lives and a bunch of immature litle asses. THE DUDE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU. that’s lame to talk about someone the way you are.
*rihanna wanted only one thing. to ruin that boy’s life.
*matt kemp’s worse than chris brown. the guy’s a frickin slugger for goodness sakes. he could slug her face in. then will all you cb haters see the issue here now???
*last, why is she acting like the frickin victim here. i betcha a millon bucks something else happened. did you people even listen to chris’s side??? no. you immediately called him woman beater and vowed never to listen to his songs again.
*ps,i don’t even think chris brown even gives a sh1t. he’s going out with a chick long time before this unshaven slugger came into rihanna’s life.
there i rest my case.
carter says
@bodacious.
what the fuck are you talking about? just shut the fuck up please. and make some damn sense.
… matt kemp doesn’teven have a brother. not that i heard of… so just shut-up and do your stupid research.
chris should beat ur ass up now…
carter says
and what rumors did he spread huh? what? i’d love to know.
beatrice says
what is wrong with you. if rihanna has moved on chris b has also done the same. so shut up