But that’s not the point. The point is that Rihanna and Chris Brown’s love can’t be halted – not by media intrusion, not by tabloid speculation, not by Chris Brown allegedly going berserk, repeatedly punching Rihanna in the face and then choking her into unconsciousness because she discovered he was cheating on her.
And now that Rihanna and Chris Brown are apparently back together, guess how Rihanna’s family are reacting. Are they thrilled or overjoyed or a little bit arsed off? You’ll never guess.
Despite everything that he allegedly did to her face – possibly in a revenge attack over the fact that, despite being a girl, she’s still able to grow a more convincing moustache than him – yesterday’s news that Rihanna and Chris Brown were back together didn’t really come as a major surprise to anyone.
Why? Well, Rihanna’s love for danger is well documented in songs like Breakin Dishes and I Love Being Smacked In The Face By Men Who Obviously Don’t Respect Me, while it’s abundantly clear that Chris Brown would wedge his tongue into a kitten’s anus and dance the Macarena if it meant that he was still allowed to have a music career, and getting back with Rihanna is one notch down from that.
So you know what? We should all just relax and be happy for Rihanna and Chris Brown. They’re in love, so it doesn’t matter that the only way they know how to display that love is by re-enacting the ten most violent Tom And Jerry cartoons shot-for-shot on a daily basis. After all, Rihanna’s family are pleased that she’s got back with Chris Brown, so we should be too.
What’s that? Rihanna’s family aren’t pleased that she’s back together with the man who some – OK, us – are calling ‘a mutant hybrid of Trevor from EastEnders and a combine harvester made entirely out of human fists’? Goodness, we didn’t see that coming. People reports:
“Everyone wants them to take a break, to cool off,” a relative of Rihanna tells PEOPLE after the pair returned to Los Angeles together early Monday morning. “No one wants them back together. I’m concerned,” continues the relative. “I don’t want her to make a mistake, and I don’t want her to ever go through his again.”
We have to say we’re a little stunned at this Rihanna family member coming forward to say that don’t approve of Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown? Isn’t it common etiquette in this situation for relatives to say that Rihanna probably deserved it because she’s got a funny voice and is probably a ho? Or is it just Chris Brown fans who say that? Oh, we’re so terribly confused.
But in truth, we are pleased that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. Because it means now we’ll probably have to write about Rihanna and Chris Brown every single day until the end of time itself, and we sure do love the sensation of having our spirit crushed by two idiots. We really do.