Rihanna ‘S&M’ Video: DECODED

So, Rihanna is back with a new single called S&M, which is set to rock Middle England to its frail little core and frighten America’s Bible Belt so much they’ll no doubt be firing rounds of confused shots into the sky already.

Fact is, Ri is pushing her luck with a tale of “chains and whips” exciting her, which will invariably see pen-pushing hacks worrying about the sanctity of our children’s minds. Not that they aren’t all watching endless hours of filth online anyway.

However, the gun is prematurely jumping here. That’s because this video doesn’t deal with sexual themes at all, rather, it showcases Rihanna’s fondness for food and thereby gives young women a positive role-model to aspire to.

It’s okay to have your cake and swallow it down in one.

First thing is first.

Let’s give you Rihanna’s new video, ‘S&M’, in its entirety. Okay. You watch it and then make your own mind up.

Then, we’ll let you know how woefully wrong you are about the whole thing… right after you’ve finished off a bout of furious trouser-based self abasement.

Okay?

Okay. Here’s we go. This is a little tale about how much Rihanna really enjoys her food. Nothing more, nothing less. Anyone who sexualises it is clearly some kind of pervert.

In the opening clip, we see Rihanna being man-handled while wearing a newspaper print dress. Now, some of you may think that this is some kind of bird-flip to the media who have hounded her for so long. However, it is obvious to us that this is Rihanna telling us how much she likes a portion of fish ‘n’ chips, which of course, comes wrapped in yesterday’s news. Her stockinged legs are an allegory for plaice, clad in batter. The men in suits are portraying the fryers, ready to make a delicious, innocent meal.

And when the people in suits are done there, while they like nothing more than a nice portion of fish ‘n’ chips, they’re also rather fond of the Great British gobstopper. In these tough economic times, the gobstopper is a sweet that will last for hours. So, in their bankers uniforms, they’re actually telling us the most frugal way to have a treat after a fish supper.

At this point of the video, we see Rihanna wrapped in clingfilm. This could be a wise piece of advice to us all, telling us that it really is okay to wrap up your food in clingfilm and stick it in the fridge to be eaten on another day. Either that, or, as RiRi looks trapped and uncomfortable, she could be warning us about eating too many microwave meals. Her eyes seem to be saying “pierce the film lid several times”.

And what if your leftovers will perish quickly? Well why not feed them to your humble pet dog? They’ll eat anything because they’re greedy shits. Just like Perez Hilton.

Here, we have a more confusing message. We see Rihanna eating pink popcorn while dressed as a sexy verruca sock. Maybe this is advice about the perils of swimming after a meal.

As you can see here, Rihanna is trussed up like a roast bird while chewing some handcuffs made from bacon. This is a nod to the fact that, if you want to eat healthily, you shouldn’t feel trapped by healthy food and in fact, you can have a treat or a blow-out once a week. Sainsbury’s are expecting sales of their own brand bacon restraints to go through the roof this quarter.

However, candyfloss is a no-no. As you can see, only ‘clowns’ would consider eating such a thing and, as such, Rihanna has clearly attacked these people by forcing their heads into a candyfloss machine, forcing them to confront their terrible eating habits with some extremely tough love. Here, we see her on the phone to Gillian McKeith, who will later shout at these people until they cry. And what are the alternatives according to McKeith and Rihanna?

A nice banana.

A nice strawberry.

A low-fat ice-cream covered with jewels (jewels have 60% less fat than chocolate sprinkles and the like. They are an incredibly healthy  alternative, albeit, expensive).

However, the last scene is just disgusting and nothing to do with living healthily at all. Here, we see Rihanna covered in stationery from the cupboards of Heat magazine. Apparently, 81% of babies born are conceived in stationery rooms as bored office workers rut like pigs in an attempt to stave of the crushing tedium of their jobs. With this image, Rihanna is effectively lying on her back with her face covered in sputum. This is a vile and dangerous image to close on, set to corrupt the children of the world, leading them into a world of strange sexual practises and paper cuts in sensitive areas.

Ban this filth. Apart from the very sound and useful food advice.

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