For the last few months, Rihanna and Drake have been consciously coupled, but in a much more ratchet way than Gwyneth and Chris. Running around France and crap, rubbing their crotches together on stage. Because nothing says love like mimicking sex on stage.
Now last week, Brown had another court date with an ending that sounded bad, but really meant that he would soon be free. Which of course means RiRi is done playing the roll of Wheelchair Jimmy’s girlfriend.
Rihanna is kind of a hot mess. Girl has been making some questionable choices these last few years, especially with her hair and clothing (or lack of clothing). It all seems to have started after the whole altercation with former R&B singer boyfriend turned douchebag felon, Chris Brown.
For a while there, Rihanna looked like she got her shit together. She was all “Rawr, women deserve better” and trying to become a legitimate actress. Then, she get her vagina do the talking, and suddenly she was back to sleeping with the guy who made her face look like something out of a Rocky movie. But then she was over it, and started fucking Drake, the Cool Whip lite version of a gangsta rapper. And then she was back to Brown. The merry-go-round had been started.
Now, Brown has been in jail for a bit because homeboy just cannot keep his god damned fists to himself. So obviously, while RiRi can play the part of home-wrecking whore, or dumbass boomerang punching bag, she cannot be one of those pathetic bitches licking the 8 inch Plexiglas that separates her from her boo. Oh no no no. And so, while Chris has been getting kicked out of rehabs and trying not to drop the soap in jail, Rihanna had gone back to her Canadian lover. And they’ve been flaunting their love all over the place, usually with their genitals rubbing together on stage.
But a true Princess of Ratchetness and strip clubs cannot be contained for long by any man, let alone a bland one. All Rihanna needed was a better offer, and last week she got it when it was revealed that even though Brown was sentenced to a whole lot of days in prison, he would most likely get time served and be out shortly. Well, color yourself just shocked that within days of this news, Rihanna has allegedly dumped Drake.
You all know Karrueche Tran, Brown’s doormat girlfriend when he feels like it, will be holding Chris’ hand as he walks out of jail like an idiot. And within a few hours, Rihanna will be Instagramming selfies of herself half necked in bed with some dude who looks an AWFUL lot like Brown, but his head will be obscured in some way. And our sad generation’s version of Liz and Dick will go on.