On paper, a fight between weedy Chris Brown and emotionless terminator Rihanna would only have one result – with Chris Brown’s head ending up on a metal spike.

In reality, though, it might be a different matter, what with Chris Brown’s arrest for allegedly beating up Rihanna until she was hospitalised and all. Worse still, it’s being reported that Rihanna claims that this isn’t the first time that Chris Brown has attacked her.

Honestly, if this is true then Chris Brown should pick on someone his own size. Like a gerbil, for instance. Or a hobbit. Or fun-sized Mars bar.

Men of the world, feel free to rejoice. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done to your girlfriend – forgot her birthday, chatted up her sister, crapped with the bathroom door open – you’re almost guaranteed to be a better boyfriend than Chris Brown, on account of you not having been arrested on suspicion of choking your loved one until she fell into unconsciousness and then legging it. It’s a small victory, admittedly, but it still counts.

However, let’s not be too hard on Chris Brown. After all, his stylist thinks he’s a lovely boy – plus, as one of our commenters has kindly pointed out, “MAN….. I DONT KNOW Y ALL Y’LL POEPLE IS MAD @ HIM 4??? SHE IS THE ONE WHO GAVE HIM SOMETHIN SO SHE GOT WHAT SHE GOT… I ANIT MAN @ HOM @ ALL…. HE GONNA KEEP IT PIMPIN AND DO WHAT HE DO SOooooooo… ya’ll need to leave him alone!!!!” which we think means it’s OK to hit women if they’re being arseholes to you. And there’s no arguing with flawless prose like that, really.

And anyway, maybe Chris Brown’s alleged assault of Rihanna was just a sickening one-off, a mistake made in the heat of the moment that was completely out of character and one that he regrets profoundly. Except that Rihanna reportedly says it wasn’t. ABC News reports:

If Chris Brown did indeed hit Rihanna early Sunday morning, it may not have been the first time. According to TMZ.com, the pop star told cops that her R&B singer boyfriend had a history of abusing her before a weekend attack that reportedly left her bruised and bloodied, and the violence was getting progressively worse.

If this is true, then we’re not sure why Rihanna chose to stay with Chris Brown. There are many complex psychological reasons why a woman will stick with an abusive partner, but in this case we think that Rihanna just realised that allegedly being smacked in the face time and time again by Chris Brown was still better than anything she did with her previous boyfriend Shia LaBeouf.

Of course, though, looking back at her most recent album, it’s clear that Rihanna was desperately trying to warn us of her predicament. Look at what she called some of her songs – Cry, Hate That I Love You, Shut Up And Drive, (Please Stop Repeatedly Smacking Me In The Cheekbone With That) Umbrella, (While I’m On The Subject, Could You Also Please Refrain From) Breakin’ Dishes (Over My Head All The Time)… if only we’d been paying more attention, none of this would have ever happened.

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