It’s a well-known fact that the internet’s main job is to serve up photos of naked celebrities.
And if we were to conduct performance evaluations for the internet, during which we might judge how well it is doing its job, last week we would have given it a golden badge full of golden stars, a magic rain-banishing medal, and an edible framed certificate made from delicious chocolate. Why? Because, finally, the internet has delivered the JPEG Holy Grail: naked Rihanna.
That you were even able to navigate to this web page is frankly astounding given the load under which dear old uncle internet must currently be labouring.
Because Rihanna’s nudey pics weren’t the only R&B wrist fodder to smash onto the titwires last week – the decidedly less famous Cassie also found her pierced bits and bobs zinging around the web.
Cassie had a sizeable hit last year with a song called Me & U, but don’t feel bad if you don’t remember it. The video was the best part about it really, as it showed the not unattractive singer writhing on a table, having a spot of trouble keeping her legs together and dousing herself with a bottle of sexy, sexy water.
Cassie actually stole a march on Rihanna, with her boobingtons – shown in a set of self-snapped phone pics – apparently being stolen from her computer and flopped out online last Wednesday.? She didn’t sound too happy about it, but something in her response approached “meh” levels of shrugginess, leading to conspiracies that the exposure of her metal-festooned bangers was merely a publicity stunt designed to remind people she still exists. She has a new album out soon, you see.
Cassie said:
“At the end of the day breasts are breasts, mine weren't the first you've seen and they won't be the last? people need to grow up. Let's move on.”
Is that maturity?? Na?vet?? Or merely Cassie’s way of saying: “You think that’s exciting? Wait until Friday, when you will encounter a photograph of me lying naked on a bed with my legs apart, all but inviting you to examine my vagina’s labial intricacies.”
On Friday a photograph of Cassie emerged in which she is snapped lying naked on a bed with her legs apart, all but inviting you to examine her vagina’s labial intricacies. At the time of writing there’s no sign of Cassie tutting in a “vaginas are vaginas, move on please children” manner, but let’s assume she at least rolled her eyes heavenwards momentarily.
So to Rihanna, who possibly saw Cassie getting a lot of the internet’s hairy palmers’ attention and decided to blast her nipples out of the spotlight with her own kinky camerawork. The photos in which her breasticles and flesh cavern are visible don’t actually show her face, which points to a possible stitch up – but since these snaps are placed in a set which does feature photos of Rihanna’s face, let’s not tell ourselves that we haven’t seen Rihanna naked. That would be a horrible thing to do.
Inevitably rumours have surfaced that Chris Brown leaked the Rihanna photos, which would make sense since he’d probably like there to be photographic evidence online showing that there were days in their relationship when Rihanna wasn’t a bitten, bloody, bruised mess.
The sequence in which all this R&B mammary gold was mined is unclear, and has led to the perception in some quarters of the whole episode as a tit for twat battle between the shady, fanny-fixated camps behind each singer. Could Cassie’s more explicit photo, in which is spread like soft Clover on hot toast, have been a direct response to Rihanna’s blurry T&A shots? If this is the case, we can consider our lucky old selves to be entering a whole new era of celebrity oneupwomanship.
I mean there was that period a few years back when it seemed you couldn’t open a browser without seeing the nether lips of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton or Britney Spears – but these weren’t self-snapped mimsy expos?s . While the main benefit of the proliferation of mobile telecommunications devices has been the ease with which we can share information, it shouldn’t be overlooked that these gadgets also enable nubile young popstars to engage in online tit-offs for our entertainment.
I for one welcome the day when, for example, Cheryl Cole forgoes saying something mean about Lily Allen and instead just whips out her hooters and starts clicking. This would lead to an appropriately topless response from Lily, and so on until each lady’s Twitter feed is just a constant river of ever more profane images preceded by the appropriate “@”.
It sounds unlikely, but you’d given up on seeing Rihanna nude, hadn’t you?
This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from My Chemical Toilet, and it’s really ruddy good.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
Julian Mentat says
What? Photos of Rihanna NAKED? This has huge implications! To wit: she must, at least once in the period of history leading up to the present, have TAKEN HER CLOTHES OFF. And – if my logic is correct – PUT THEM ON AGAIN.
We could indulge in fantastical speculations about ‘showers’ and ‘changing’, but let’s leave that to the conspiracy theorists.
Chris says
yey!! Rihannas boobies! (The mere fact that you call them
REDPOOH says
UM I BELIVE EVEN THO CHRIS BROWN HIT RHIANNA SOULD HAV GOT HIT BUT N AGAIN SHE SHOULDNT
kthx says
Someone send me a link to these photos….