5 Ridiculous Pieces of Game of Thrones Merchandise

The title of Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones is getting its own line of beer, effectively pairing the best thing in the world with the other best thing in the world. I’m surprised it took even this long to figure out how fantastic of a combination this would be.

As long as it doesn’t taste like the ale that cashed in on another medieval piece of entertainment, The Monty Python Holy Grail Ale, a beer so bad that if you set it next to Rolling Rock, your Rolling Rock would complain about the piss smell, it should be great.

I think that Game of Thrones should use this as the launching point when it comes to extreme merchandise opportunities. There are tons of potential products that could be made, no matter how ludicrous they might seem.

Game of Thrones Window Guards for Kids!

Say you’re in the middle of sex with your sister. You’re both part of the royal family, so being seen in the act is not an option. If a peasant got caught wrist deep in his kin, he could blame it on the horse pasture gate being locked. But you have a reputation to uphold.

Kids are naturally curious and terrible at knocking. Statistically, the demographic with the highest rate of walking in on two adults licking whipped cream off each other’s fur suits is incidentally the same demographic with the highest rate of being mentally scarred forever by viewing such an act. Your kid won’t have time for a trip home for Thanksgiving in between all the fellatio they’ll be giving to dudes that resemble you if they catch you nailing your wife.

So, what to do if a kid peeks up from the window sill to see you screaming into some sweaty girl’s ear about how you deserve the spanking? Well, with the Game Of Thrones Window Guard for Kids, you won’t have to hesitate to follow your first instinct and push the youngling out! The kid will land safely on the Game of Thrones Window Guard for Kids’ net and you can go back to proving your first girlfriend wrong without the guilt of having just crippled a child for life.

Crippled Bran riding Hodor in Gmae of Thrones.

If he’d had the Window Guard, he wouldn’t need this mutant stable hand to get around.

Game of Thrones + One Direction Mask Set!

Don’t have any kids but do have a facial scar that prevents people from getting comfortable with you? The two go hand in hand, you hideous excuse for a whatever! I’m looking at you, Sandor Clegane! Try the Game of Thrones + One Direction Mask Set! In the world of Game of Thrones, attractive looking men were in as short supply as Vitamin C. The closest thing you could get to bagging someone handsome was hoping that the local merchant would get drunk enough for you to seduce, rob and kill him.

Now, imagine if you dropped someone who looked like teenage heartthrob  Harry Styles into the middle of Westeros? He’d be married within the day, likely tied up and begging for death’s release at the same time! With the Game of Thrones + One Direction Mask Set, you can cover up the awful aftermath of your blacksmith father’s clumsiness and be replaced by someone who knows that you don’t know that you’re beautiful.

Game of Thrones Dragon Hatchling Carrier

Dragons are at their most adorable when their little and unable to tear an entire town and all of its inhabitants to cindered shreds. That’s why you need to keep it safe. Worried about it running into the middle of the road and getting stomped on by some Dothraki caravan? Put yourself at ease with a Game of Thrones Dragon Hatchling Carrier. Built to be resistant to flame and claws and the feet of ignorant nomadic warriors, it will suit all your baby dragon transportation needs.

Game of Thrones Blindfold In Case Of Horrible Events!

In Westeros, you’ll probably get to see each of your family members brutally slaughtered, first hand. That, along with the probability of finding out first hand that, before death, they were all screwing each other, is bound to ruin whatever concept you had in mind for “growing up normally.” You’ll never make friends if the scene of your father being beheaded replays over and over in your brain.

Rodrik about to be beheaded on Game of Thrones.

That’s why the Game of Thrones Blindfold In Case Of Horrible Events is a must-have. Is your mother begging you to turn away, all the while whispering that it will be alright? Just put on the Blindfold and all you’ll have to worry about is the memory of her disembodied screams! Combine this with the Game of Thrones Window Guards for Kids for the perfect way with which to properly adjust your child to this cold, terrible world.

Game of Thrones Dwarves!

Game of Thrones made dwarfism the new black. It’s because of this that we should forget trying to clone farm animals and get to cloning little people. And that’s not a diss on dwarves! They’re awesome! They can slap bitchy princes and get away with it, they look extra cool when they carry swords and they’re super smart. You’d be all like “I use my axe” or something, and if you had a Game of Thrones Dwarf near you, he’d reply with something cool like “I read books because they’re great for my brain!” They’re full of witty comebacks.

And if your dwarf is born looking extra dwarfey, just use the Game of Thrones + One Direction Mask Set on him and viola! Your new companion now looks like some British kid named Liam, only with oddly shaped hands!

 Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones

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Comments

  1. LADYANNE says

    I realize this article is tongue in cheek, but I have to say this. GoT did not make dwarfism the new black. Peter Dinklage made little people cool! They are still going to be the brunt of jokes as I am being a ginger, yet Peter made it cool to be small and still be a bad ass without being orange or having a squeaky voice. Love Peter Dinklage!