Ricky Martin Sort Of Becomes King Of Puerto Rico

Yeah, we know - we saw that Ricky Martin was in some kind of parade and immediately assumed something else, too; but in reality Ricky Martin was just on an annual parade for Puerto Ricans who live in New York or something.

Scratch that - Ricky Martin wasn't just on the parade, Ricky Martin was king of the weekend's 50th anniversary Puerto Rican parade. Fortunately, being king of a parade which celebrates a place that some Americans think is a country and some don't meant that Ricky Martin wasn't granted any actual sovereignty over anyone. This is just as well, as we'd imagine that Ricky Martin would be a cruel and heartless king with brutal beatings routinely carried out on anyone who isn't instantly able to tell his stormtroopers the name of the third single from Ricky Martin's Sound Loaded album. The answer, in case Ricky Martin ever becomes a real king, is Loaded. That's Loaded.

Ricky Martin might have faded musically into the background in recent years - can you hum Drop It On Me? Thought not - but that isn't to say that Ricky Martin's presence isn't all round us all every second of the day. Take this year's Eurovision Song Contest - at least half of the acts sounded exactly like Ricky Martin. Plus, after the candid interview he gave to Blender magazine in 2005, not a single person in the whole wide world has been able to piss on another person in the shower without having all trace of pleasure wiped out by the knowledge that Ricky Martin likes pissing on people in the shower too.

And now Ricky Martin is king. King of a parade. King of a parade that seems almost as if its sole purpose was to cynically stop a minority group from angrily rioting in the streets all the time. That's right, this weekend, Ricky Martin was crowned king of the annual New York Puerto Rican parade. The San Jose Mercury reports:

The pop star was joined by Mayor Michael Bloomberg for a ceremonial ribbon cutting before ascending a float that promoted the Ricky Martin Foundation, which advocates for child welfare around the world. Fans screamed as the float made its way up Fifth Avenue. "We were about to pass out, we were so happy to see him," said Tania Ochoteco, 33, of the Bronx.

It's thought that being king of the Puerto Rican parade marked the first time that a group of people had screamed for Ricky Martin for five years, not counting all the people who screamed "Stop pissing in my face, Ricky Martin! I'm just trying to have a bloody shower!" obviously.

But even though letting Ricky Martin be the king seems slightly like an admission that Puerto Rico isn't very good at creating famous people, the Puerto Rican parade seems to have been a vast success - plus it means that we can add 'has an annual parade in New York' to our Things We Know About Puerto Rico list, after 'one Puerto Rican girl is marginally pretty' and 'this article is going to get a handful of racist comments from idiots who don't realise that the whole thing's just an excuse to mock Ricky Martin's fondness for pissing on people in the shower.'

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Ricky Martin Chosen King At NYC Parade - San Jose Mercury