You know She Bangs By Ricky Martin? Its full title was She Bangs, Although That’s Not Strictly Based On First-Hand Experience.
Because Ricky Martin is gay. We know that might come as a shock to some of you – like the ones among you who don’t have eyes, the ones among you who don’t have ears and the ones among you who have been inexplicably confusing Ricky Martin with Jeremy Clarkson for the last 15 years – but it’s true.
Ricky Martin came out on his website yesterday, proclaiming that he is a ‘fortunate homosexual man’. Still, at least Ricky Martin won’t have to worry how his fans will react to this news. Not because they’re all open-minded and progressive, you understand, but because technically he hasn’t been famous for about a decade.
There has always been an element of suspicion over Ricky Martin’s sexuality. Take She Bangs, for example. In it, he declared that every girl who has ever lived a) looked like a flower and b) stinged like a bee. That’s fundamentally untrue. Women neither have the venomous inter-abdominal sac or the modified ovipositor necessary to deliver stings, plus Ricky Martin seems to be labouring under the impression that you get a woman pregnant by traipsing pollen all over her face, which couldn’t be further from the truth from a scientific perspective.
Why was Ricky Martin’s grasp of female biology so drastically mistaken? Because he’s been secretly gay all his life, that’s why. Sure, Ricky Martin has dropped the occasional hint about his sexuality over the years – for instance everything he’s ever said, everything he’s ever done, every item of clothing he’s ever worn and that interview where he kept yammering on about how much he loves urinating on people – but now it’s official. Yesterday Ricky Martin announced on his website:
“I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am… Many people told me ‘all the years you’ve worked and everything you’ve built will collapse’. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.”
And good for Ricky Martin. It may have been the worst-kept secret in the history of mankind, but at least it’s all out in the open now. Hopefully his bravery will encourage other young gay men to follow in his footsteps and make sure that they too maintain a fairly ludicrous heterosexual charade for decades until they’re sure that they’ve wrung every last penny out of their pop career and nobody really likes them any more.
We’re proud of you, Ricky Martin. And we’re excited for the future. After all, if that’s what you were like straight, God knows how impossibly camp you’ll be now.
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Karla says
I actually thought he was straight, and I was shocked when Clay Aiken came out too…LOL, and some say Ryan Seacrest is gay but I don’t buy it! (but then again my gaydar hasn’t been accurate, lol)
Jodie says
What a surprise, Not!
HT says
It’s good to have you back, Heritage.
JoeMomma says
This is why all those nice sensitive artsy fashionable boys aren’t into you.
Johnjohn says
ou would have had to’ve been blind/deaf/dumb not to’ve known that Martin (and Aiken) was gay.
You need to listen to people if you have no trace of a working gaydar, then. Seacrest is next. Then Elijah Wood. Then Daniel Radcliffe.
Shooty* says
My god. That just leaves George Michael representing us hetero guys.
PATORUGUA says
So proud of you Ricky …and I love you !!!
MyMarie says
In most cases I don’t think it does matter what path a celebrity takes in his/her quest for sexual fulfillment, in Ricky Martin’s case it’s a little tricky. This is what he is all about, “sex” sure he is a good singer and dancer, and who would of guessed, A GREAT ACTOR, however he was selling himself as a sex symbol to WOMEN. It was hard for his fans to separate his on screen sexuality to the reality, which is the GUY is GAY and he is not just acting…he was too believable. I thought he was straight, based on his own words, his open relationship with women and his videos. I just enjoyed the fantasy.
As far as why he “came out” now . . . Well, he is older, he has 2 children, he is involved in many charitable causes. Plus, would you have bought a “Memoirs of Ricky Martin” book if he hadn’t? He wants as much “bang” for the buck as he can get. I wish him well, and will always remember the Spanish version of Livin La Vida Loco. . . hot, hot, hot…. The end of my fantasy!
Sanjay says
he had a guts to say and accept and live. i dont give a shit abt ppl talking back on anyone.
for example, no one will share there bank balance :P
Sanjay says
when i was young and when i saw ricky martine album… i had wish that if he is gay and if i get chance to date him…
but i am happy now for him :)