Prison is no doubt filled with horrible things – throat stabbings, for instance.

Richard Hatch must have felt like a kitten in a cathouse, then, when he and his throat were allowed to finish out the rest of their incarceration from deep within his sister’s house. Hatch had probably already altered his orange jumpsuit to include velvety frills and sparkles galore when suddenly there  was a pounding on the door.

It was the cops, and do you know what they did? They dragged Hatch off to a local jail, that’s what. What could he possibly have done?!

Richard Hatch – well he’s got him some money. He mostly earned his green as the first winner of Survivor. Since then he’s added to his incredible wealth by talking to lonely, easily impressed people on the phone, and earning interest on taxes he refused to ever, ever pay.

That’s what got him sent to prison, you know. It’s kind of good he went, in retrospect. After all, if he hadn’t gone then he never would have learned all those life lessons he got while blowing bubbles when his head was angrily held deep inside a dirty mop bucket. That’s what happens in prison, you know. We think we heard it in some rap lyrics.

Hatch was probably pretty excited to get out of the big house. His term wasn’t up yet, but some nice judge must have let him finish out his term from his sister’s living-room recliner. He probably walked in her front door, rubbed off his kool-aid fingernail coloring, and just breathed in that sweet freedom.

It didn’t last long. He heard somebody talking about him on the radio – and not just anybody. He heard former U.S. Attorney Robert Clark Corrente – the guy who had spear-headed the case against him. Corrente said Hatch was ‘a ‘…fat, gross, nudist with a hollow, echo-friendly scrotum,’ or something like that. Whatever the quote – it got Hatch hot under the collar – hot enough to call the station.

Which is illegal without permission. This, according to the Associated Press:

“The sister of “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch said Wednesday she thinks her brother was sent back to jail over an interview, and a radio station host said Hatch called in to his show twice without the station first getting permission from the federal Bureau of Prisons. Hatch, who had been serving out the remainder of his prison term for tax evasion on home confinement in Newport, was taken into custody and jailed Tuesday, just hours after interviews aired on WPRO-AM, NBC’s “Today” show and WJAR-TV. In those interviews, Hatch said the judge in his tax evasion case discriminated against him because he was gay. He also accused the prosecutor of misconduct.”

So, standing there in his sister’s hallway with police all around, a hesitant Hatch probably redid his kool-aid fingernails, touched his throat like he was gonna miss it – and then he was off.

The next time he finds himself with thinking time in a murky mop bucket, we just hope this retarded flub crosses his mind.

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