Say a prayer for Richard Ashcroft, he’s going to hell. Or so may think the religiously devout. Endless pain and torment will bring him right around, won’t it?
Ashcroft reportedly said in a reference to Jesus: "I feel like him." Now hecklerspray has no idea what that means, but it’s probably blasphemous, hedonistic, and chock full of brimstone. So what we’d like to do is have everyone meet near the base of Big Ben later today, bring a five pound Bible, several silver bullets and socks full of AA batteries. We’re also gonna need a Mapquest printout to his house, so if someone could grab one of those while they’re at work…
And Jimmy, if you could watch the end of Dracula to see how they finally killed him we’d appreciate it.
Richard Ashcroft recently drew an unwitting comparison between
himself and The Beatles back when they hated the Almighty. John Lennon
once said:
"Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t
argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more
popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’
roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick
and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me."
Yeah, remember that one? Us neither, but we’re told it ended in
bloodshed and carnage. Lots of very angry church folk and big piles
of burning Beatle effigies.
Ashcroft’s comment isn’t as inflammatory, what he said regarding
Jesus was:
"I love the man, I feel like him."
The first part we
follow, but the rest has got us dipping our hymnals in glue, broken
glass and thumb tacks, in precisely that order. Ashcroft went on with
his comparison:
"There’s only Richard Ashcroft and Liam Gallagher who
know what it feels like. We’re the only ones who know how many people
we’ve touched and how powerful that is. I feel like I’m on a one-man
mission. I’m here to use my tools and my gift to take them to a higher
level."
What tools is he talking about? Is he talking about building stairs
there? Suddenly Ashcroft is a carpenter? His reference to using those
tools to bring people to a higher level conjures imagery of him
building a gigantic tower, a tower all the way to heaven, that’s
freaking awesome.
If this tower is as great as hecklerspray hopes,
when people are old and ready to die, they don’t need a funeral, just a
brisk stair climb to paradise. Wait, isn’t that what the ancient
Babylonians tried to do? What was the result of that, anyone
remember? Did it end well? What’s that you say? It ended with God
smiting down the tower, confusing all language, and killing an absolute
ton of Babylonians?
RICHARD ASHCROFT IS TRYING TO GET US SMITTEN, LANGUAGE CONFUSED AND BABYLONIAN DEAD-LIKE!!
If someone could scatter his tools real quick that’d be great.
Read more:
Ashcroft: I feel like Jesus – Ananova
[story by Shawn Lindseth]
