“The Earth will tremble with terrible Quaking, sulphorous Ffires will consumeth the Living, and nightmarish Beasts of all persuasion shall stalk the Barren Plains. Oh, and verily shallt Richard and Judy be cast off the telly.”

Nostradamus there, from one of his lesser known tracts describing the End of Times. Well, don’t go making any plans for your holidays this year, because the twin colossi of televisual babyfood have called it a day. So expect endless earthquakes, and the whole of France to be consumed by lava any time soon.

Not all bad news, then.

This morning, while the world goes about its productive business, spare a thought for the students and unemployeds who will be curled up within their quilty cocoons, weeping softly in their sleep.

Because when they finally wake up and read this news, they’re going to be pissed.

Since 1883, or thereabouts, when Richard Madeley first bounded onto the set of revolutionary new TV show This Morning – with Judy Finnigan hobbling along behind – Britain’s students, unemployed, potsmokers and sad folk have found no reason to get out of bed before 6pm other than to watch the pair of wedded wankers’ daily output of easy-to-digest TV mush.

No more. Richard and Judy have decided to quit their contracts six months early, having realised that making a programme that only 38 people watch is marginally more humiliating than going on air every day and talking about how regular anal sex is saving their marriage . Or whatever it is they do.

The show’s failure to attract large audiences is definitely not their fault, though. It’s all because they’re on one of those newfangled digital stations now. The Sun reports their words:

“Many former viewers have told us they simply couldn’t find us there.”

We understand, Richard and Judy. It must be an absolute bloody nightmare for people who can barely summon up the energy and mental faculties to slop a pint of milk over an enormous bowl of cornflakes at three o’clock in the afternoon to manage to press all three of those buttons on the remote. One after the other, and so quickly, too.

These are tough financial times. All too many people are losing their jobs, and income. But so many of us forget about the knock-on effects on the children in these circumstances.Richard and Judy’s daughter, Chloe, must be absolutely distraught at this news.

What’s she going to watch now, at four in the afternoon when she’s lying around on her sofa, bombed off her little face on the weed?

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