Rhys Ifans has been cast as the baddie in Marc Webb’s reboot of the Spiderman franchise, which definitely needed a shot in the arm after those three woeful Toby Maguire films. Seriously. They reeked!
He’ll be squaring up on-screen to someone called Andrew Garfield. No. We don’t have the foggiest notion who that is either. We could check but his name is so boring that every time we try to type it into a search engine, we fall asleep.
Anyway, Ifans and Garfield will join Emma Stone in the superhero flick and, while we know who Garfield and Stone are playing (Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy respectively), everyone is being a bit coy as to who the Welshman might play.
Looking at Ifans’ career, it isn’t immediately obvious who he might play.
Let’s think.
He’s been a scruffy loser in Notting Hill, a stoner in Twin Town and will be appearing on our screens as Howard Marks in Mr Nice as well as making an appearance in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
That didn’t help did it?
Let’s look at some of Spidey’s villains to see which matches up best.
The Jackal
Miles Warren knows Parker and Stacy after meeting them whilst being professor of biology at Empire State University. Alas, poor ol’ Warren fell in love with the much younger Stacy. Dirty bugger. SPOILER ALERT IF YOU’RE NOT A SPIDERMAN NUT. When Stacy is killed when the original Green Goblin and Spiderman have a tussle, Warren swears vengeance on Spidey. Warren further develops the Jackal as his alter ego and, thanks to being a bit scruffy and the like, Ifans could nail this baddie.
Green Goblin
Willem Defoe was a rubbish Green Goblin and this new film will probably need an appearance from Spiderman’s greatest foe (disagree all you want, but it’s true). You could have a Green Goblin in just about every Spiderman flick and no-one would moan. Well… that’s not true… die-hard Spiderman fans will moan about almost anything. Either way, there’s a good chance this wily bastard might make another appearance.
Mysterio
Hollywood might not want to look at Rhys Ifans face, so one of the best ways to deal with that is to stick a great big fish-bowl on his head. As Mysterio is a special-effects whizz, the producers of the movie could really go to town with this dastardly swine.
Morbius
Hollywood is slap-bang in the middle of a vampire phase and Spiderman just so happens to have a vampiric nemesis. Morbius was suggested for Sam Raimi’s abandoned Spiderman 4, so there’s a chance that the people paying for the film might want to ride the wave of vampire love at the minute. Of course, this doesn’t mean that screaming girls will start fancying Ifans instead of Robert Pattinson, but y’know, he does have a certain deathly quality in his face.
The Evil Bryn Lawson Of The Welsh Mountain Choir
Seldom known Ditko created villain from ’63. Bryn Lawson, a Welshman visiting the States on holiday witnesses Spiderman climbing up a wall toward an opened window. Assuming that he must be some kind of pervert, Bryn vows to catch this “mucky lad” and bring him to justice. After failing to do so solo, Bryn gets a team together who he dubs the Welsh Mountain Choir. Together, they battle with Spiderman by attacking him with sonic booms from their magnificent vocal chords. Bryn is deported after outstaying his travelling visa. Could he make a return in this new Spiderman film?
Got any suggestions? Want to tell us how bloody stupid we are? Get stuck into the comments you filthy bastards.