The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.
Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.
Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.
Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.
Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.
As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They?ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don't want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ?Walk?, ?Open Car Door?, ?Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun? *paraphrasing* but they aren't cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don't take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it's smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.
Unfortunately there's no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that's not to say that there isn't going to be one in an upcoming update. There's nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.
For the remarkable price of ONLY ?2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It's literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it's the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it's going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don't want anything that you've even looked at. We know where you're eyes have been.