We already have plenty of things to blame Sarah Jessica Parker for – transvestites who only speak in puns to name one – but that’s not enough for her.
No, now Sarah Jessica Parker has been named as the reason why there are so many pregnant teenagers running around. She hasn’t been impregnating the teens directly – although we wouldn’t put it past her, the shifty-faced git – but she has been putting the idea into their heads. Probably.
A new report has shown that teenage girls are more than twice as likely to get pregnant if they watch a lot of TV shows that contain sexual content. We can see that the report has a point – as teenagers we watched a lot of All Creatures Great And Small, and to this day we can’t even look at a cow without running over and ramming a fist up its bottom until a baby cow comes out.
If you thought that the likes of Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears became pregnant purely because their parents are such hardline Christians that they thought something as sensible as sex education discussion would corrupt their minds, you’re wrong. It’s all television’s fault.
A report has been published that proves once and for all that teenagers only get pregnant because they’ve seen people having sex on TV and wanted to try it out themselves. It’s not just sex it works with, incidentally – when we were 13 we once got drunk and led the police on a destructive four-county high-speed car chase after watching an episode of Police Camera Action – but that’s what we’re concentrating on for now. Reuters reports:
“Our findings suggest that television may play a significant role in the high rates of teenage pregnancy in the United States,” said Anita Chandra, a behavioral scientist who led the research at RAND. “We’re not saying we’re establishing causation, but we are saying this is one factor that we were able to prospectively link to the teen pregnancy outcome,” Chandra said in a phone interview.
So it just goes to show that if a teenager watches sex on TV, they’ll rush out and get themselves pregnant right away. That goes for all TV shows, from The Tudors to Tell Me Love Me to that time Sawyer and Kate had it away in a bear cage during Lost.
However, Sex And The City is the one exception to this rule, because if any teenagers actually watch Sex And The City, they’re statistically guaranteed to grow up to become gay men. That’s just as well, really, because Miley Cyrus says her favourite show is Sex And The City, and she’s far too innocent to ever get up to anything as silly as underage sex. Right?
So let’s hope that the television industry cracks down on all this sexiness, because then horny teenagers will only have the internet for comfort, and at least that way they’ll only have the resources to become a very specific sort of sexual deviant. And we all know that you can’t get pregnant while you’re being kicked in the genitals by a cross-dressing midget in a gimp suit, don’t we? Problem solved.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I got pregnant in highschool. I blame it on watching Full House. Uncle Jesse’s mullet counts as child molestation.
I am no doctor but I am sure it’s not watching TV that get’s you pregnant
tv shows like sex and the city and friends are specifically designed to be “aspirational”. you are supposed to want to be like the cool people on the television. television execs love these kind of shows, because they make money, because most people (well, stupid people, as most people are) love them too, as they give them some sort of vapid escapism for 45 minutes or so from their shitty troglodyte lives. for a little while the pathetic souls can entertain the vain hope that their lives might one day revolve around casual sex with attractive people and the buying of expensive clothes. police camera action is not intended in this way (whether it actually has a similar effect anyway is arguable, after all it’s much easier and less risky to your status as a free person to get pregnant than it is to drive like a maniac).
these shows are not entirely to blame, but they are part of a decadent, vapid, oversexed modern western culture which treats the act of sex with about as much reverence as eating a mars bar. which laughs off any suggestion that this might be, uh, wrong by pumping out condom education until the cows come (home). whilst the ineffectuality of this, as reflected in the insanely high std, abortion and pregnancy rates in the uk, which has about the most “progressive” (snort) sex ed in the world, is quietly ignored.
aldous huxley was right.
“Daddy, what’s Television?”
“OK, er… imagine there’s a website you want to see. But you can’t look at it now; you have to wait until a specific time.”
“Huh? Suppose I’m busy?”
“Tough shit! Now, imagine you’re looking at the website; you can’t read it at your own pace. They take you through the pages and you have no control.”
“That sucks! Can I post a comment to complain?”
“No way! There’s no forum. And no links. You can’t even bookmark it. The only thing it’s got is pop-up ads!”
“You’re shitting me, right? Nothing could ever be that bad?”
“Seriously, boy, that existed and it was called Television.”
“Well, I guess nobody ever used it, then.”