A competition is underway to find a new name for the Large Hadron Collider, which apparently doesn’t have a decent ring to it. Get your thinking caps on, you mothers of science.

The multi-billion pound machine needs a sexier brand, and scientists have dispensed with their usual methods by simply inviting suggestions from YOU, the GENERAL PUBLIC. How about Large Hardon Collider? Oh no, that’s already been done.

The Royal Society of Chemistry’s Richard Pike, a man named after a carnivorous freshwater fish, says “its name fails to reflect the drama of its mission”, and like all scientists he’s bang on. HEY! How about we call it the BANGONOMOTON? Ah, no.

Dammit, this particle accelerator may further our knowledge about the origins of the universe, something that will thrill the Creationists, Christian Right and Godsquadders in general. How about the ADAMANDEVEFINDERDEVICE?

What’s quite clear from the press release issued on the competition is that the chemists are green with envy about the physicists. Back to Mr Pike to explain why:

“As the universe is 13 billion years old, this means that for more than 99.99% of its existence chemistry has played a dominant role. Physics is therefore getting an enormous boost through funding of the LHC, in effect, to explore the first fleeting moments of why we are here.

“I would make a claim that chemistry, if it received pro rata funding, would be up for trillions of pounds to investigate the mechanisms of the origins and development of life, which would have immediate application within the community. That might be the basis of an RSC funding claim next year!”

Holy shit. The world is 13 billion years old? They never taught me that in church. How about we call it THE RELIGOBULLOMOTER?

So, good reader, what would YOU suggest? There’s £500 up for grabs! Note that there is an amusing caveat: “The prize will not be awarded if the Earth is destroyed before this time.”

To submit your entry email Jon Edwards, who is media relations officer at the RSC. Deadline is 17 September. Good luck.