We know, we know. London, this was supposed to be your big day – the day when Michael Jackson plunged into financial ruin on your doorstep.

But we’re sorry to say that it won’t be happening any more. Michael Jackson was due to show up at the High Court today to argue his case in the big ‘a sheikh gave Michael Jackson millions of dollars to sing his songs and Michael Jackson couldn’t be bothered so he’s being sued’ lawsuit. But now he won’t because, shame of shames, a settlement has been reached.

Now, we’re not exactly sure what this settlement involves, but one thing’s for sure – it had better involve Michael Jackson singing those songs that the sheikh wrote. If we have to go one more year without hearing future classics like That’s What Siddiqui Are For and Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve Got Labaneh In My Tummy then we just don’t know what we’ll do.

We’ll make this very clear – if any wealthy Arab sheikhs want to give us $7 million to write an autobiography, release an album and produce a stage play, we’ll do it. Seriously, we’ll do it. In fact for $7 million we’d record an album entitled Everyone Who Has Ever Written For Hecklerspray Is Riddled With STDs, produce a stage play that grossly besmirches the character of our own parents and write an autobiography in which we confess to over 45 unsolved murders. Just so you know. We would.

But Michael Jackson probably wouldn’t. In fact, if you listen to Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa of Bahrain, you’d think that Michael Jackson would take the money without doing any of those things. That’s essentially the reason why the sheikh is suing Michael Jackson, and it was supposed to be the reason why Michael Jackson was due at the High Court later today to testify his side of the dispute, which is apparently just that the sheikh gave him all that money because he quite liked The Wiz. Or something.

But that won’t be happening any more. According to reports, Michael Jackson has cancelled his visit to London because he’s reached a settlement with the sheikh. Reuters reports:

“As Mr. Jackson was about to board his plane to London, he was advised by his legal team to postpone his travels since the parties had concluded a settlement in principle,” a London spokeswoman for Jackson said on Sunday. “Therefore, he will not be attending court on Monday,” said the spokeswoman from PR company Outside Organization.

Michael Jackson’s settlement will come as a profound disappointment to the people of London. After all, it’s not every day that they get to see a gaunt, confusingly androgynous zombie-like figure with seemingly no sense of self-awareness and a horrifically alien face drifting through their streets. Well, unless you count Trinny out of Trinny and Susannah, in which case it is every day that they see that.

The settlement also means that some of the biggest questions surrounding the lawsuit will now go forever unanswered. For instance, did Michael Jackson really believe that the $7 million was a gift? Did he ever intend to honour the alleged contract? And why on earth did Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa think it’d be a good idea to spend millions of dollars on a new album by a frail, creepy, squeaking middle-aged man who hasn’t had a number one record for 13 years partly because everyone used to think he was a child molester?

Honestly, that last one has us stumped.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!