So you missed the Oscars? Who cares? You saw the best bits (The woman from BBC Breakfast looking increasingly desperate outside the Vanity Fair party because nobody would talk to her) and you know who won.

But we need to explore the dark side of the Oscars – the side that won’t shut the hell up. Reese Witherspoon‘s side. In years to come, Reese’s acceptance speech after winning the Best Actress Oscar will one day be played to terror suspects in order to break them down. But only as a last resort – even terrorists have a pain threshold.

Try as we might, we’ve watched this video over and over again, but we just don’t have the endurance of strength of mind to make it past the part where Reese Witherspoon babbles about making her bed.

And we tried, too – we literally tied ourselves to our chairs at one point. But our brainstems kicked in and made us beat our heads against the back of the chairs until we fell unconscious. See if you can do any better.