Walking controversy Ke$ha may just be the worst thing that the 21st century has given us. In fact, she may be the worst thing humanity has ever had to deal with – throughout all history. That’s right, I’m placing her alongside the bubonic plague, HIV/AIDS and the mysterious dancing curse of 1518.
She may well be the worst thing ever. And I can’t even say it’s not her fault – it is. She’s just a poor excuse for humanity, with few redeeming qualities. (The one redeeming quality is that occasionally – very occasionally – her music burrows its way into the recesses of your mind and hatches larvae which breed and remain in your brain forevermore. But then you remember that it’s not called ‘Tick Tock’ like it should be, but ‘TiK ToK’ and you become vengeful again.)Want to know quite why you should hate Ke$ha?
1. It’s ‘Ke$ha’, not ‘Kesha’
Look. It wasn’t cute or funny or daring when Prince decided to insert a symbol into his name, and it’s not here. For one thing, you can’t print that shit on a passport. For another, not everyone uses the dollar as a currency. Are we meant to convert the currency to different denominations when Ke$ha goes on her world tour? Does she become Ke(£0.62)ha when in the UK? What do we do when she gets converted into yen? They have THOUSANDS of yen to a dollar.
2. She mangles song titles
As I said above, Tick Tock would be a logical song title. Not ‘TiK ToK’. Same with ‘We R Who We R’, ‘D.I.N.O.$.A.U.R’ (they didn’t have currency in the Jurassic age!) and a bunch of her other songs.
This is a role model to young women. She is currently trying to get the hashtag #DIEYOUNG trending on Twitter. I fear we’re going to have a spate of young suicides as people realise that she’s not just hawking her song and think that it’s some sort of moral code they should follow.
4. The happy dinosaur sound employee
Ke$ha was on BBC Radio 1 recently and revealed that as part of her entourage, she has someone whose sole job is to “make her happy when she’s sad”. Nevermind that thousands of starving orphans around the world don’t have food or company to help them in their depressing wallowing. Ke$ha needs someone to be happy. She asks that person to dress up in stupid clothes and make sounds like a baby T-rex to make her happier.
5. She earns a lot of money
She earns a lot of money and I don’t. That’s mainly where the bitterness comes from. Okay? Okay?!