Reasons To Be Blind #36 – Kerry Katona To Take Up Glamour Modelling

When you reach a vegetable-like state at the rope old age of 86, you’ll be wanting to look back at life happily.

You won’t want to be reminded of any embarrassing incidents, like when your mum caught you wanking over Judge Judy or when you found pictures of your mum in porno mags. Those things can be avoided, but we may be unable to stop this latest timebomb from going off. Everyone sadly knows about Kerry Katona. She promotes Iceland and was famous a long time ago. Kerry Katona also won’t piss off away from our screens. She now plans to torment us further by getting her presumably frozen tits out for us to go blind over. 

Some say Kerry Katona is like the modern form of Medusa. Not the ace metal band that fuck off sex maniac loon Russell Brand, but the creature that turns people in to stone when eye contact is made. This has yet to be proven officially by scientists, but when our next work experience kid comes in, we will sit him/her at a screen all day looking into her chip-filled eyes. If it works, we'll be on the front of Time magazine.  

However, other people say that Kerry Katona is the UK version of Britney Spears. Just take away a) Britney Spears' famous singing career b) Britney Spears' glamorous LA lifestyle c) Britney Spears' countless world tours and d) Britney Spear’s head shaving, fanny flashing, paparazzi beating antics. Now you have two women who are vaguely familiar.  

At present, we get to know everything about Kerry Katona every week thanks to her own car-crash TV show, Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love. Here we learn how to be the perfect parent as Kerry munches on chips to feed her unborn children whilst knocking back alcohol and smoking. The follow up, Honey! I’ve Crippled The Kid is expected later this year.

But just in case you think that we still haven't seen enough of Kerry Katona, she's about to show us more. A bit more then what we really want. Digital Spy quotes a source as saying: 

“Kerry looks at her time as a glamour girl as the happiest she's ever been. All the boys fancied her and she felt a million dollars. She wants to transform herself and is determined to get in shape. She has a fitness DVD coming out soon too so that will push her into training and dieting hard. Kerry is determined to get back to the sexy, busty young girl she once was and feels totally frumpy at the moment.” 

Presumably, the fitness DVD will be done whilst she sparks up her fifth Benson & Hedges cigarette and cracks open another bottle of Diamond White. Having her present one of these DVDs is the equivalent of having hecklerspray launching our guide on how to be sincere and sensitive to the needs of others. For now, though, we’ll wait for the reliable News Of The World. Its weekly piece on “What’s Gone Wrong In Kerry Katona’s Life?” always delivers a laugh. Plus it makes excellent lining for a rabbit hutch.

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Katona wants to be glamour model again? - DigitalSpy