Given the recent airing on Channel Four of drug addicts being subjected to televised Cold Turkey, and the antics in The Sun of lottery winning super-chav Michael Carroll, we have been blessed with an idea for the show of 2006. hecklerspray presents to you Celebrity Cold Turkey.
Boasting an array of our beloved stars that have fallen on hard times, Celebrity Cold Turkey would surely pull in more viewers than Big Brother, I’m A Celebrity… and The Games put together. We am not suggesting, however that The Games and their vast array of washed up z-list would-be athletes will become a serious contender for ratings.
Celebrity boxer Michael Carroll would indisputably be the star of Celebrity Cold Turkey, and could
provide hours of entertainment live on E4 writhing around on a soiled
mattress, sweating profusely and releasing cries for "one more fucking
hit" like a deleted scene from the imaginary low-budget straight-to-video sequel to Trainspotting.
Paranoid
ex-binman Michael Carroll has been stalked by the tabloids ever since his £10m lottery win, and
has provided more than his fair share of scandal to the British public
with tales of his cocaine-fuelled activities, which have now resulted
in another prison sentence for wielding a baseball bat at a Christian
rock concert. The chav we love to hate – clean from the party drug that
plagues his life – would surely then rise to mega-stardom followed by a
tearful reunion with the missus (also in the slammer) and an
Osbournes-style documentary series. This hooligan is the personification
of the term ‘toe rag’, and demands to be kept in the headlines for our
amusement long into the future.
Also appearing on Celebrity Cold Turkey would be Pete ‘Smack ‘n’ Crack’
Doherty, holed up with former partner Kate Moss for the ultimate in
Celebrity Cold Turkey. Obviously some security measures would need to be put in
place, considering Pete’s wild and destructive personality, to ensure
that the former face of H&M keeps her model looks intact as Pete
endures the biggest comedown of his life.
Celebrity Cold Turkey – only complete with cottaging party animal George
Michael – would sink reality TV to new depths of shame (since ITV’s
Tourettes Camp). The wails of the former Wham! frontman, combined with
the agitated yelps of Michael Carroll could have the potential to wipe
this hideous genre from our screens and do us all a massive favour.
Read more:
Carroll’s cleaned up again – The Sun
[story by Aidan Flynn]
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
i think it’s disgusting all these people who go out and get trashed on drugs every weekend. don’t they know the influence it has on the general public? these common, no-good druggies are a menace to society and should all be locked up!