By which we mean Orlando Bloom. Oh come now, you remember Orlando Bloom – he played that pretty girl in Lord Of The Rings, and then he played Keira Knightley‘s lesbian life-partner in the Pirates Of The Caribbean films, and then he did nothing at all because he’s really not that good of an actor. Anyway, Orlando Bloom was robbed by a woman from a reality TV show last year, and she’s just pleaded no contest to it and has been sentenced to six months in jail as a result.
It’s Orlando Bloom who we feel most sorry for. Being robbed is bad enough whoever you are, but he’d been planning to sell all of that stuff down the car boot sale to earn enough money to eat.
You might remember that a number of celebrities were burgled last year – among them Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan and Rachel Bilson. But it wasn’t just celebrities who were targeted – Orlando Bloom, who was briefly famous a decade ago for wearing a girl’s wig but hasn’t really done anything of much worth since – was also robbed.
Staggeringly, the thieves managed to strip Orlando Bloom’s house of possessions worth almost $500,000. That’s a surprise, because we didn’t know that begging by the side of the street with a sign reading ‘I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT ELIZABETHTOWN, CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?’ was such a lucrative business.
Anyway, the thieves behind the so-called ‘Bling Ring’ crimes – named because ‘The Let’s Rob A Bunch Of People Who Are Sort Of Famous But A Bit Shit Ring’ – have been rounded up and sent to court. And it turns out that one of them – an 18-year-old girl called Alexis Neiers – is the star of a reality show. Admittedly ‘star’ is a bit of an overstatement, on the basis that we’ve never heard of her or her reality TV show and we can’t watch the station its broadcast on for more than two minutes at a time without wanting to smack our face on the corner of a mantelpiece, but you get the drift. People reports:
Faced with a possible courtroom appearance by Orlando Bloom, Alexis Neiers pleaded no contest to felony burglary of the star’s home. In the 11th-hour plea bargain, the 18-year-old Neiers, who appears with her family on E!’s Pretty Wild, was sentenced to six months in jail and received three years probation. She appeared somber in court and was ordered to surrender on June 24.
Wile you were reading that, we just looked up this Alexis Neiers Pretty Wild show. Apparently it’s about ‘Three sisters whose jaw-dropping looks and unstructured upbringing make them magnets for Tinseltown’s temptations’. We heard that it’ll continue through Alexis’s jail time too, only it’ll be retitled Pretty Sodomised By An Obese Institutionalised Lesbian. Or something.
Anyway, everyone’s happy now. The crooks have been caught, the possessions have been returned and Orlando Bloom is enjoying what will surely be the last time he’s mentioned anywhere in the media until the day he goes mad, puts on a pretty blonde wig, writes ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?’ across his bare chest in felt-tip pen, and slowly rocks backwards and forwards in a McDonald’s car park, stroking a shoe as if it were a cat and muttering to himself about when he used to be famous. So his last mention until some point next week, then.