Festivals are ace, aren't they? They?re like proper gigs, but you have to spend a weekend in a smelly tent and buy beer for ?4 a can from a crusty trust fund hippy in order to see your favourite band perform their popular hits from half a mile away while you hold in eight pints of urine because you don't want to go to the horrible, horrible toilets.
Anyway, Leeds/Reading have had their lineups ?leaked? to the press, which has had the unfortunate side effect of making it ?news?.
So yay! We can find out which bands we're going to see as unremarkable dots in the distance this year. Would it surprise you to note that most of them are awful? No? In that case, read on.
So, the line up has been released. If you go to Reading, you\’ll see the Strokes ? just in time to catch them on their tenth anniversary of being at all relevant. And if you go to Leeds, you\’ll see Pulp, who are pretty damn awesome, even if they are doing it for the money (sod off, even my hate glands can't say anything bad about Jarvis Cocker. It's not possible. I want his babies).
The other bands headlining are My Chemical Romance, which is good news for all you teenagers who can't be arsed listening to anything half decent, and Muse, which is good news for all you deaf people who like to go to festivals.
To be fair (and to lay my music preferences bare) there are a couple of gems in the gigantic turd pile ? Elbow and The National are playing ? but you have to wade through 30 Seconds To Mars, The Offspring, Interpol, Beady Eye, The Streets, Noah And The Whale, Panic At The Disco (formerly known as Panic! At the Disco, formerly known at outright trash) and Patrick Wolf.
Not only that, you have to put up with parades of people wearing fashionable wellies and monged out hippies in rubbish jumpers ?from Tibet? in order to experience it.
Makes you mourn for the good old days of Blink 182 and Guns And Roses, doesn't it? Nah, just kidding, they are terrible bands too. Serves you right for spending ?250 for a campsite that will guarantee rubbish music, draconian alcohol laws and dysentery.
You can buy tickets from your local HMV – if it’s deemed worthy – or you can just stay at home and laugh at the muddy tossers who’ve spent vast amounts of money to experience life as a refuge from Kosovo.
Ah, who are kidding, it’s still better than Glastonbury.
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Diana Ross says
You overlook Interpol in favour of wanking over Pulp?
Tom J says
Great work on another piece of absurd humour – describing Pulp as “pretty damn awesome”, oh my, how I laughed!
Carl says
Haha love the inital description of a festival!