Hello skidmarks. How are we all? Don’t answer that because we honestly couldn’t care less. That’s because we’re far too busy sifting through the lunacy of the ‘spray mailbag. And by jove, there are some Grade A nutters about.
Of course, the obligatory Michael Jackson Mentalists are shouting at us while draped in soiled bedsheets, holding a solitary candle aloft in tribute to the world’s most famous freak show.
However, in a weird turn of events, the mailbag got sexy this week with some absolute filth pouring from your dirty, dirty mouths. Seriously. Over the jump you’ll find some appallingly x-rated rants from readers. Shall we? Lets.
So, let us kick off on familiar territory. The Michael Jackson fans were still spewing bile after we predictably called him some names which invariably stand up in a court of law. Whatever. One reader wins the prize for being the most melodramatic of the week:
So sick of dumbass people who know NOTHING about the real Michael Jackson and what he represented to us all and always will. Leave him alone! Shut up! Michael was a beautiful soul who left us all too soon. You haven't done your homework when you make ignorant comments about the false allegations you've all been fed by the media without educating yourselves on the TRUTH. You are mindless sheep. I will defend Michael with my last dying breath. RIP sweet Michael.
Sweet, sweet Michael, with skin that tasted like caramel and onions. Another reader hit the nail on the head by simply stating:
Article writer. You have low self esteem.. I feel bad for you.
And so you should. That’s because half the time people send us emails and the like, not knowing who the hell we are. One stupid tit got in touch with us thinking that we were Snoop Dogg. We do look very similar, granted… however, we’re not best placed to answer this tricky question:
How do u start your buissnes
Staying in the world of music, a Coheed & Cambria fan was very, very angry at our article about them (which, in fairness, ended up being a brief history of AC Slater from Saved By The Bell).
How dare you bash the rock gods..if I were to meet you I would fuck your mother while you watched then bury your ass alive..cocksucking d bag
Note the interesting censoring of ‘douche’ whilst leaving the remaining swears in. How creative! Not like us you understand. We’re just a bunch of hapless hacks, as pointed out by yet another reader missing the whole point of the site, this time, concerning our Louis Walsh article.
Very disappointed Hecklerspray thinks false accusations against Louis Walsh and how it was publicised is funny and worth a mockery. Thought Hecklerspray is better than tabloids ? I was mistaken.
You have to assume that this nincompoop hasn’t read the ‘spray before. Not like the next reader who, bizarrely, really loves us.
I literally cannot stop myself from laughing every article you guys write. Just wanted to let you know I love you guys. You make my days so much better. And now i'm off to find a way to end the ancient family lines of baby whisperers!
No money was exchanged and we’re left with that awkward sensation of trying to accept a compliment. Not nearly as awkward as reading some of your sexual fantasies. Some div decided to let us know all about their trouser workings via a Charlie Sheen article which looked at his ex-goddess, Bree Olson.
I have to agree with Bree that Natty is not half as pretty as she is and I bet she doesn't take an enormo black cock up her asshole with as much panache as Bree either! Sheen is a fucktard of the highest order to let that cumslut slip through his fingers. If I had Bree in my bed, I would be fucking her day and night? I would say that I bet she would love it, but alas my cock would barely touch the sides of her arsehole, but I would be willing to give it a go. Bree, if you read this and you wanna give it a go with one of your admirers, then email me.
Meanwhile, someone thought they’d share their love for Harry Potter:
daniel radclifffe is so fffn hot i wud
do him anyday anytime anywhere
daniel let me juss hit itone time & i
promise u will b satisfied lolss
i lov him!!!!!!! & his butt
Astonishing. Then, regarding Lindsay Lohan, one passer by decided to shout this through our window:
The lindsay Lohan Sex Doll Dripping with Semen ? lol..
Absolutely no idea. Either way, it is strange to think that we’ve suddenly become some kind of depraved version of PostSecret. Still, not nearly as dodgy as Spiderman fans. After Editor Mof decided to criticise the tone of the new Spidey film, one avid webspunker called Willow simply wanted to say:
MOF = Man of Foolishness
This saw reader Mangosta leaping into action!
Oooh, a game! Can I play?
Willow = Worryingly Idiotic Loser Lacks Original Wording
or Womble in Lycra Leggings or Wellies
or Woo! I Love Licking Old Willies
or ?Woof? is Labrador Language or WordsThis is fun. I you want a go with my name, may I suggest ?Moron? for the M and ?Arsehole? (asshole for septics) for the A…
And finally.
Fuck you! EVERYONE remembers Desree.
‘Til next time dirt boxes.
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Ratbag says
Have to admit ‘Man Of Foolishness’ made me laugh a lot, not in a complimentary way, sorry.
Keep up the good work, you keep this grumpy old granny laughing.
Cookie Monster says
Isn’t there a small appliance that achieves the same?
Sorry… I can’t resist sometimes (all times).