It is nearly Christmas time, which of course, is a period when everyone who lives in a Christian country can take a few days off work if they want. That’s nice isn’t it? It is also a time for exchanging gifts with each other and showing happiness on the face, while harbouring intense resentment and disappointment in the heart.
And so, it is time to look at the gifts which hecklerspray readers have given to us in the shape of emails, tweets and comments.
Once again, we’ve managed to upset everyone despite the fact we just want to be their friend. When will someone give us the love and care we so clearly crave?
Robert Pattinson fans have been all over us again, sticking up for the man with the boring aura and a personality that could make a glass eye kill itself. When Christina Ricci said Patz was a decent kisser and he promised to get nude, we poked a bit of fun.
“I usually love your snark but your last few Rob articles haven't been very witty. They used to be laugh out loud hilarious but now it's just dull bordering on dumb. Put some zest and wit back in it man.”
Oh dear. Refund is in the post. Not for the next reader though…
“more invidious persons to ROB , It normal because ROB is in the TOP of TOP!!!”
“Hmmm?though I love your snarky wit, I must say that I believe Rob?s bum crack will have more personality than your article did. Jealous much?”
Jealous of an arse-crack. There’s a conceptual idea we can’t get our tiny brains ’round. How very peculiar. Not as strange as a man who decides to deliver a crushing and depressing message on the comments of a humorous article about bad Christmas songs.
“I pray that is probably because your mother is alive and well and didn't die on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately that is not the case for many of us. I had to pull the plug on mine to fulfill a promise I had made to her that I would not let her live in a convulsive state with no hope for recovery from her advanced stages of cancer on Christmas eve. Every time I hear this song I have the urge to down a bottle of sleeping pills with a quart of scotch. I wish this touching song would just go away forever as it puts me and I am sure many others who are already in a depressed state into a suicidal one. Every time I hear it and cry for days and wish I would have a fatal heart attach to stop the hurting.”
Anyone else think that the comments section of a piss-taking site might not be the place to make such a statement? To stave off your suicidal thoughts after reading that, let us go to the cheery minds of Chris Brown fans. He’s learned that it isn’t a good idea to punch a woman in the face. However, some readers clearly think that he’s a good egg and much more talented than his ex, Rihanna.
“TEAMMMMMMMMMMMM CHRIS BREEZZY WHO IS WAY MORE TALENTED AND HOTTER THAN RIHANNA, WHO TOOK CHRIS? SPOTLIGHT WITH HER SCANTILY CLAD SELF?.SMH
>>>>>>RIHANNAAA SIT DOWN!!!! PLEASE”
Okay, everyone is entitled to their opinion on which of the two is more talented.
“It ?s past due that Rihanna needs to be exposed because she is not the innocent victim she pretends to be.Women that go around hitting men need to cease thinking that the man may not hit her back because a man is a person with feelings,not a robot.”
So Rihanna asked to get punched? We’re confused.
“So, apparently you dont have a forgiving heart.
&& what are you smoking?
Rihanna more talented && more famous the Chris brown.>?
have you seen chris brown mj tribute?
who has sold more albums???
lets snap into reality now. he has the right to proud of achievement!
yes, he made a mistake havent you?”
Yes. We’ve made mistakes… but they usually involve spelling things badly, forgetting to pay bills or turning up at the wrong venue when meeting people – not beating people up.
Another round of mistakes come from those reliable Justin Bieber fans. We speculated about his sex life while making jokes about his age. The fact we were joking was missed by some…
“Stupid he's 16 not 8 or 4!!Ha ha! What the fake!!”
“well, you know, at first i thought the joke was funny. but now he's a 8 year old, 3 sentences later he? s a three-weeks-old, 10 sentences later he's 4. SOMETHIN AINT RIGHT!”
Someone else decided to chip in with…
“I saw justin holding hands with a gril named julia today”
Suzan meanwhile, just wanted to add…
“any one will like to marry me i am very sexy!”
Hmm. Not in the marrying mood were Muse fans who are an incredibly touchy bunch. They’re contenders for Weirdest Fans Of 2010, matching Michael Jackson devotees for a lack of humour. On one article, written by our impish Matthew Laidlow, they went to town!
“Mathew, You are an utter fag!”
“I Hate You,
Enough said? That’s the sign-off of someone with very little to add to the human race. See also, people who say ‘end of’ after spewing up another redundant statement. More impressive with the insults was this highly strung chap…
“Fine dont listel t oMuse then go listen to fcuker bieber or transexual lady gaga or even better the idiots of the black eyd peas that dont have nothing better to do than copying segments of other popular songs and making them their fuck you gay ass website”
This prompted one reader to wryly observe…
“All these fanboys make me think of ?This is Spinal Tap? when the report asks. ?Why do you think that all your fans are prepubecent boys??”
And finally, we got this mysterious bit of correspondence, relating to absolutely nothing.
“You all suck because that could be trut of hearting thier and fuck you all and she is not sexy??????????????????????”
Merry Christmas shitbags.