Every week, hecklerspray is inundated with people who have opinions about us, our lives, our right to do the job we do and the celebrities that we take the piss out of. It’s always delightful to sit and sift through page after page of people telling us that we should be killed or have various parts of our anatomies sheered off by a sharpened snowboard.
Of course, those ones are our favourites and they’re the ones that we keep for ourselves and take to bed with us at night so that the burning hatred of the reader can keep us warm in our cold beds.
These ones are for you…
Yes, it’s time to trawl through our putrid postbag as we bring you the best/worst of this week’s Readers’ Letters.
This week saw the triumphant return of one of our longest running features after the Christmas period. However, this week’s Hecklerscopes were met with a sniper’s bullet, fired by Kev:
Oh come on, The Daily Mash has been doing these for years.
Oh no! We cried! He’s on to us! We’ve ripped a feature idea off The Daily Mash! How incredibly awkward! We’ll have to issue a full and frank apology to all our readers that were offended by our shameless plagiarism. That was until the notorious hecklerspray Phantom pointed this out:
So have we…
So pipe down.
Whoops! Sorry Kev, looks like we’re not as unoriginal as you thought. Still, what is unoriginal is the slew of dribbling crapsacks who seem to rely on us for “news” and “facts”. Like Aba here, who was incensed that we comedically overstated Beyoncé & Jay-Z’s hospital demands:
Untrue, the hospital issued a statement denying these rumours. Stop posting false info!!!
Absolutely not. Misinformation is what keeps our blackened hearts beating. We’ll never give it up, not in a million years. Another thing we’ll never give up is picking on Chris Brown and his legion of idiotic fans who believe that he shouldn’t be open to lampooning because he could probably knock seven shades of shit out of us (especially the girls). Deed P was so incensed that he/she forgot how to spell:
I think your the ones who need to grow up and get a life. You have no clue what it’s like to live life as he does. May if you spent half the time you spend talking about other life you can focus on what really important the music. You have no right to judge and continue to talk about something that happened 3 years ago aren’t you suppose to keep up with the times n not get stuck in the past. Please sounds like you need to get a life n stay out of others personal affairs.
Funnily enough, we get this kind of comment a lot so let’s address each issue individually, shall we? That way, we might not get as many in the future.
- Grow Up & Get A Life: Most of us are grown up and do have lives beyond writing about donkey-punching celebrities. Some of us even have mortgages and families. There are rumours that some may even have parents, despite the common view of us all being spawned by the Ire Tree.
- You have no idea what it is to live life like he does: Ironically enough, thanks to Team Breezy, we do have a lot of people who are willing to criticise us at the drop of a hat for saying no more than Chris Brown is a violent convicted felon.
- His music is awful.
- Aren’t you supposed to keep up with the times?: Yes: and we do. It just so happens that Chris Brown beating Rihanna to within an inch of her life is the comedy gift that keeps on giving. It’s the proverbial rod to beat Chris Brown with until one of us expires. It’s not our fault that he keeps saying really stupid things.
- Stay out of others personal affairs: Surely the idea of a ‘megastar’ punching another ‘megastar’ square in the face on numerous occasions before being arrested, tried, convicted and publicly apologising all under and intense media spotlight can’t be referred to as someone’s personal affairs.
i aint being funny but keep your nose out of wills buisness alfiono and will smith are the best i love em both im a fan of fresh prince of bel air! x
Good for you Ashleigh! Still, this evoked a response from none other than renowned author Emily Brontë to leave this riposte that we would find it hard to better.
You’re perfectly right, you’re not being funny.
To quote the vernacular of teenagers everywhere; “sick burn”. It doesn’t matter though because here is a witty and wise opinion of Crowded House:
FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!!! YOU FUCKING SHOW PONY FAGGOTS – HATE YOU AAAAALLL. BRING bACK DA RAP METAL. NEIL FINN IS GAY!
The guy called himself “Durst” and had an email address extoling the virtues of the hideous, misogynistic, laugh-at-a-child-while-she-dies-in-a-crush, so-called frontman of legendary shite-metal group Limp Bizkit. Nice to see that people are opening their minds to people of all sexualities. Rock on.
If Chevy Chase dies this year, or any other, so will my soul.
Until next week, you wretched hive of scum and villainy.