Hello again. You’re either here because you want to sneer at thick people (that’d be us, the hecklerspray writers) or laugh at people giving us abuse. Chances are, you’re the third type of person who frequents this site – the idiot.
And we’ve had a lot of puzzling comments, messages, letters and other forms of correspondence (sadly, no-one has sent us anything via howler monkey yet, but there’s time) and this week, we’ve offended the most pie-eyed, delusional people on Earth.
No, not Scientologists, but rather, Orlando Bloom’s fan club. UH-OH!
This week, John Travolta had a baby called Benjamin. Isn’t that nice? Of course, we joked about how jealous it would be in the future when it grew up and realised that Tom Cruise’s child would be better looked after by the Jamie Thetans (or whatever they’re called) because he’s more famous and less mental. However, we ruffled some feathers…
“Some of you low life guys sound like you have ?Hate Syndrome?. it's in the DSM Manual. You are to go to your nearest psychiatrist and get ECT with some good volts through your brain and anti depressants drugs so then you can bring yourself to suicide. You may think I'm as low as you bums, but what I've stated is the TRUTH.”
Oops. They weren’t the only ones we angered.
“The most insulting/crude/rude article I have ever read?very base?I guess some people wear their vulgarity daily to think and write like that. I am not a Scientologist. For someone to have a job writing like that doesn't say much for our society today.”
Wearing our vulgarity, daily. That would be an excellent strapline on the site wouldn’t it? Still, of all the things that shocked and provoked in this story, there was one thing left to be discussed.
“There's no way John Travolta put his actual penis inside an actual vagina.”
Yes. We’ve read those stories as well. Apparently, he’s been ‘cured’. Away from Travolta, someone stumbled across an article on Dog The Bounty Hunter. If you don’t remember, he dropped the N-Bomb and got into some trouble for it. One reader wasn’t happy…
“THIS guy is a looser. yes he dose bully his way around. i wish he would show up at my house with his paint ball guns. hed need a lot more than them to protect himself. Ive seen him force his way into peoples homes after they say no. bad move at my house. if florida you can kill a man for doing such things. as long as you feel threatened and someone sticking paint ball guns in my face would def threaten me. so come on down you recast pig. he has no friends on Hawaii from what ive read people hate him.”
Insult of the century there! Feel free to call people ‘recast pigs’ from now on. But who is around who deserves such a title?
Ladies and gentlefolk, welcome to the wrongly wired world of the Orlando Bloom fan club!
“The only batshit crazy person is the person (you) that wrote this piece of shit! Where do you get your info from??Mr. Bloom has done several movies since POTC. Let's see, there's ?Main Street? ?Sympathy for Delicious? ?New York, I Love You? ?The Good Doctor? and the upcoming ?The Three Musketeers?. Where is your head? In your toilet bowl? Wake up and quit bashing Orlando! He has a large fan base and you just made them mad by writing such shit!!!! Wake up and do a little research before you (so called journalist) write shit like this.”
Journalist? We resent that!
“You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”
Nice sign off.
“You have no fans while the beautiful Orlando has millions. Jealous much? You seem to be obsessed with him considering the numerous posts. You suck, you wretched, , useless douch!”
Numerous posts? We resent that!
“How dare you harsh Orlando you dirty little freak. Jealous much? Your obsession with the beautiful one is clear by your numerous posts. You are the worst kind of hater. YOu are the worst kind of loser, one with a bogus website. May you be eaten by the Kraken and crapped out again. Douchbag, asswipe loser!”
Eaten by a what?
“when you ?re not real critic & are exactly blind & you can't write truth, so, do not write something that people laugh at you cause of your ignorance. befor writing something,know & search for it completely ,think,then write. RIDICULOUS JEALOUS. I'm really sorry for you:(“
Oh dear. We’ll be sure to research our articles properly in future. Honestly. We’re not lying. It’s hard though. You see, we wrote a thorough and tender piece about Cliff Richard baring his chest and… well…
“you ?re rubbish and your website.”
If only there was some way of finding redemption. Getting closer to our true selves. If only there was something out there that could unlock all this madness and idiocy we display on a daily basis. Wait! What’s this? All our prayers have been answered, for here is the light!
“i had interesting experiences that started from Michael and his music. I had insights , religious truths , truths about symbols that surround us, they all came with a state of ecstasy. I am a person who's concerned about the future of the planet and animals, and humans. The first ecstasy experience was before Michael?s death, when i started to worry about his coming to London, because i dont know how, something/someone told me he's in danger and he might die. in less than half a year he died. The second ecstasy experience was in september 2010 when i started again to be overconcerned about the future of humans and planet and i started to listen to his music more than before. i started to think of him and tried to understand him, to empathize with him. again i felt i go in that other realm, where everything is so different, is just the subtle reality that we can't never perceive if we keep ourselves busy with the superficial existence. Its impossible to describe here how it feels, maybe i can write a novel and its still not enough. I would like to try this again, but its taking a lot of resources, energy, its very dangerous to play with these kind of things if u are not trained, and i am not. The first trance ended in psychiatric hospital because i couldn't get out of it alone. The second it was again quite difficult, but i could control better and i was not hospitalized. All these states depend so much on the moon phases too. Even if for some of you, everything might sound crazy, these kind of things exists. I know that Michael is the key to something extraordinary? through him, and with pure heart and mind, u can reach God.”
Fucking hell.
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The Kraken says
I bet a real church of Michael is going to get setup in the near future. There will always be an oversupply of idiots. It’s the TRUTH.
p.s.
Is ‘TRUTH’ meant to be truer than ‘truth’ or just louder?
p.p.s.
Don’t you dare mock Orlando again.
TONY THE GREEK says
Brilliant! People can be so TOUCHY sometimes. Like that old man on the bus last night.
LOLOLOL says
Oh dear god….the church of Michael…fucking hell is right, I’ll be laughing about that one for the rest of the day. Budda on a bicycle that was funny!
sammy blauchett says
Wahahaha, you’re really funny. It IS quite sad how people resort to insults and name calling in their “defence” of a celebrity, like this celebrity would acually give a fig about *them* personally. I agree that Mr Bloom was not a really good actor, more wooden than anything else, thought he had a very promising start in LoTR. It’s quite sad to see the wooden-ness just keeps growing branches.
You better watch it, dude, some OBsessed fans may likely post your personal info online in defence of their ‘beloved’ celebrity if you keep messing with Bloom or even suggest any critic to his wife, who’s more likely found without clothes than with, even going as far as to *honor* them and their unborn baby by urging people to donate on the Unicef site in their names – didn’t Bloom state much earlier in his career that fans are not supposed to start charities in his name? Tell me something though, is it considered fraud when ms Kerr claims and sells her kora products as 100% certified organic when it’s neither 100% organic NOR certified?
Cassie says
I love your snark, pls keep it up, and do more kerrapp on Orlando – he’s a mess! Plus I love the way you rile up his 1 REMAINING FAN – yes, that is all the work of just one poor lonely soul….
Cookie Monster says
That MJ post rings a bell, the bell with the slight touch of crazy in the dingalingdong. Oh, here it is: http://www.minddisorders.com/Br-Del/Brief-psychotic-disorder.html. As someone who is neither a doctor, nor an actor who has played one on TV, I recommend plenty of alcohol, marijuana, and above all, heaps of cocaine to help the poster get back on an even keel.
claire says
Pathetic site. It is very easy to pick fault and call it funny. It isn’t, it is purile. Oh I am guessing Amrican since they don’t have an adult sense of humour and are still stuck in the name calling stage of child development. You could try actually being amusing but that requires intelligence, I am afraid, so it is probably beyond you.
Oh yeah, I am an Orlando Bloom fan. So fuck off.
Carrie says
What really cracks me up is the people who post ALL OVER the web about how wooden, untalented, passe Bloom is and insult his wife and fans and talk about how obsessed we are and yet they know more details about this couple they HATE than we could ever dream of! Get a life.