Hello dear reader? How the devil are you? We’re being so nice because, it is rather obvious to us that the passing mentals who leave comments on this esteemed tome of arcing shit don’t ever get close to reading the letters page. They’re too busy foaming at the mouth about jokes written elsewhere.
Alas, we shouldn’t give the game away by saying that we’re not wholly serious in our approach to writing and in fact, this is all meant to be a rolling joke… but those delving into this article already know that, right?
And so, once more, we wade through the correspondence to see that, as ever, there’s a whole army of people out there, poised like coiled sponges, ready to pounce on any writer that dare slate their favourite things.
Of course, not all commentators are nuts. Some of you are just plain funny. One sarcastic bugger got in touch to get involved in the Frankie Boyle debate.
“Till now I've been a big fan of both Frankie Boyle and the NHS wonder opioid Tramadol, however I was very disappointed by the lack of material associated with it throughout the entire series, PCP while very nice is just not the same (more of a dissociative than a narcotic, though the latter term is often used inaccurately to describe any restricted substance), it's a fucking disgrace!
What was the question again?”
Someone then linked to the Doug Stanhope piece in the comments, which we’d featured a whole week earlier. That’s fine of course, apart from the fact one of the ‘spray writers joined in saying how much they enjoyed the link. Haters, take note – even our own writers can’t bring themselves to read this site.
Our readers aren’t just experts in prescription drugs; they’re also very knowledgeable about beauty products. When we spoke about Cindy Crawford getting injections in her face, one reader felt the need to tell us…
“I found this product to be greasy. I didn't have any of the redness problems or anything. I did not see any reduction in wrinkles or pores. I think I'd be better off eating more food with antioxidants than trying to apply it to my skin. I now lightly apply olive oil at night.”
Let us hope that they’re not injecting oil into their face, or else they could very well look like this lady.
Meanwhile, a Halle Berry has graced these pages in a rather ugly story about race and custody of a child. Naturally, we’ve been poking fun at the whole thing because… well… that’s what we do. This prompted one reader to get in touch.
“I am not a big Halle Berry fan but no hater either. She is a accomplish actress, what is Kim Kardashin done again? She just gravitates toward african american celebrity men then she gets dump by them. She needs to start dating a regular joe smuck . I do have a question why is this article so anti Halle? Why write this type of piece if you didn't care enough to write it? Why bother? obviously the writer has no life, the sad thing we who read it wouldn't get that 5 minutes back???.lol”
That ‘lol’ came out of nowhere didn’t it? Sadly, we can’t say that Michael Jackson fans appearing on our comments are remotely close to being a surprise. Sometimes, they’re so omnipotent that we feel the need to set up some kind of refugee camp for them so they can actually live in a makeshift town on our pages.
“Stop being so nasty! Who are you to jugde? GET A LIFE LOSER MJ4EVA”
There we see the classic MJ fan approach of asking us to be kinder, while offering insults at the same time. It’s a bit like saying “Don’t swear, y’cunt” to someone. And the thought of us being regarded as journalists is just hilarious. Not so amusing is the eerie threat from one fan.
“It's very easy for people to bash and pass judgement on Michael, especially since he gone. But when you're pointing your finger at someone, just remember there's three fingers pointing back at you.”
Do Jackson fans have three times as many figurative fingers than normal people? Chilling stuff. Another Michael devotee was so close to understand what we’re about, but alas…
“I seriously thought you were making a joke but no, no it turned out you were absolutely serious.”
Still, at least some of you can see the wood for the trees.
“I swear Scientology ought to school their minions half as well as the MJ fans have been brain washed? Disturbing, the lot of you.”
And right on cue, here comes a Michael Jackson fan to prove that, sometimes, they really are unhinged maniacs.
“AND as far as you talking to Michael, David Copperfield- IN YOUR DREAM?S!!! If that were true, you would have done something about Michaels saddness, NO????? AND, David Copperfield is a rapist! Did you help HIM out on that problem too??? HONEY, YOU ARE FULL OF IT!!!!!!!!”
Not a sausage. Our old chums from Camp Muse were back again, telling us that things with lots of fans are proof of quality and goodness. Like the Nazis then?
“All I would like to say, go learn manners before you continue your career as a journalist so the world doesn't have to see another dumb journal who uses his crappy imagination and puts it at work for people to spit on.”
What’s that? Manners + Insult = Michael Jackson Fervour! Ladies and gentlefolk, Muse fans are the new Michael Jackson fans! How wonderful! They’ve not finished ranting by a long chalk.
“Alright. They ?pump out non-adventurous stadium sized rock turds without any hint of stepping outside the safety of the bubble that has strangely made them successful?.. Really? Can you tell me the last time a rock band has composed and recorded a three-piece, 13 minute symphony. A fucking symphony. That is innovative. That is daring. That is genius.”
Sounds like all those ‘symphonic’ albums Rick Wakeman made to us. Let’s not forget ELO as well. In fact, 13 minute rock symphonies were ten-a-penny in the ’70s weren’t they? Even Alvin Stardust had a crack at doing one. Then there’s bands like Sigur Ros who are fond of overly long orchestrated music. These rock symphonies are so insultingly common that we’re now going to bestow genius on anyone who can keep a record under 3 minutes long. Still, what do we know?
It all boils down to this ? You clearly know absolutely nothing about music, otherwise you would be able to see the greatness known simply as MUSE.
?You will burn. You will burn in hell for your sins.? ? Matthew James Bellamy.
Uh-oh. Sounds like Matt Bellamy is the new Jesus Christ with that talk. We were under a different impression, clearly…
This is an awful article, your clearly a big Lady Gaga fan but your analysis of Muse is completely wrong. I think your translation of the quote said about Lady Gaga is hilariously one sided and sounds like she is some sort of God to you
Now, it feels like we’re going mad. Talk of deities, symphonies and us being biased idiots… we don’t know which way to turn. This is what a panic attack feels like! Quick! Someone! Help us out here!
“I always thought you lot at hecklerspray were exaggerating about the crazy Muse fans. I now see that you were not. This is completely brilliant.”
And we’re back in the room. Let’s not forget the original indie lunatics, who make Muse fans look like disinterested ageing dogs lying in the sun… Pete Doherty fans!
“Mate your a cunt, pete doherty has made brilliant records with the libertines, babyshambles and his solo album. Your just a fucking retard who obsesses with his drug habit, get a life you fucking egg. You have no good taste in music, you just like to chat shit about people you don't know behind a computer screen. Man up and stop being a horrible cunt, and go get a girlfriend you wetty.”
Nice to see some of Doherty’s supposed poetry leanings rubbing off on his fans there. Good job Katy Perry’s fondness for kissing girls isn’t rubbing off on some of you lot though, eh?
“I feel so bad for her poor mother and I resent the fact that this article mocks her and religion. I would be ashamed as well if my daughter were coming out with songs like ?Ur So Gay? and ?I Kissed a Girl?. It's really disgusting and disappointing.
Her song ?Waking Up In Vegas?, ?Teenage Dream?, ?California Gurls?, and ?Firework? are awesome songs! If she continued with those kind of songs, then she'd be a hit with all fans. But those two songs I mentioned are the kind that makes my ears bleed and my stomach churn.
Haters, go ahead and reply whatever your little hearts desire. What I just wrote still stands, and no matter how you respond, I will still feel the same way. I also think you should know that even if you do reply, I won't be able to read it because I don't plan on returning to this website anytime soon.”
So there! Eat that! And while you chew all of those comments over in your mind and let that thought of ‘Seriously. Do these people not realise that this is all a joke?’ pass through your heads, we’re going to have another crack at working out this email we received last week.
“Di kita tatantanan sa media,sa nbi at kay pnoy.
Mapapahiya lang kayong lahat.
Mga amoy bulok na ahas kayo.
Anak mo napanaginipan ko uli.
Nagmamakaawa hihagis ko daw ang tali ko sa kanya para
Maka akyat sya sa pampang kaya lang maraming iba ang
Nakahawak kaya di sya nakaakyat.
Ipagdasal nyo nalang sya.”
We think it might be some kind of code that needs cracking and presumably, that’ll lead us to treasure and untold riches!
We won’t see you next week as we’ll all be living in houses made out of solid gold.
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EssBen says
I’d almost given up on being considered mentalist enough to get on the hecklerspray letters page, a distinct honour indeed :D
I should probably get back on the meds now, before the bad thing happens again >.<
halo says
Mof
Here’s the translation, consider it my cheers for putting me in the mailbag post.
“I will not trail in the media, the NBI and with pnoy.
Just got all ashamed.
Smell you rotten snake.
Child I dreamed again.
I said the hi hagis begging him to leash
Could she climb ashore just so many others
In holding so she ascended.
Pray she nyo nalang”
Now what the heck that email is supposed to mean is beyond me……it’s in filipino,with some tagalog which is odd….. I don’t have a good translation for nyo nalang…
4DK says
That last one’s in Tagalog. Though I think there’s also some insanity involved.
Cookie Monster says
The MJ and Muse commentards have swayed me with their dulcet tones. I am now an MJ defender and Muse sycophant.
To explain, the mighty oak tree of common sense looked upon the wee reed of the Internet and asked, “Little wreetard, you persist through every Internet shitstorm of breathtaking stupidity whilst I suffer so much; how does this happen?”
The little reed answered, “WUT? I can haz cheezburger. U a hatorz!!!!!!”. The oak yelled, “Fuck”, spoke “it”, and finally whispered, “all”.