Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.
You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.
You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?
First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:
First of all, it?s obvious you haven?t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!
Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He?s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn?t called the ?showman of our Generation? for nothing. It?s one of the best shows I?ve ever seen and I?ve seen a lot of them.
And just an FYI for your 20 IQ??..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!
You didn?t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????
Nice!! oh wait ? yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.
If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.
I think it is time to bring back the reader?s letters column.
See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:
You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.
You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.
Still, at least Ella might get it:
Is this column some form of satire?
If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.
hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan?s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank?s hope you guys get this real soon
Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.
A LION?S SHARE! Second Verse
Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting ?;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!
Hair like mother?s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!
A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!
Swoon and river red boils hot open ?,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;
Hot is whet and whet is more ?;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire ? more in sand and waist not a taste!
Moments are days and days are months ? time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!
The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!
With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.
So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:
im a fat bellend
Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.