I never cry during movies.? Post-puberty, that is.? After teaching myself one basic rule of discipline, I've strung together 327 straight tearless films.? If you're thinking ?Whoa, that's the kinda stuff that impresses women!? you're right.? It really does.? And today, I'm sharing that secret with you.?
We've all been there, guys.? Your girl torpedoes you with Titanic or blindsides you with The Blind Side, and within an hour, your machismo has gone incognito.? Your breathing gets louder, your eyes mist up, and when she asks if you want her to pause the film as you head to the bathroom to ?get something out of your eye,? your quivering voice betrays you like some kind of larynx-based Judas.? It doesn't have to be that way.
The key to staying dry-eyed during any movie is simple.? Just take a moment right before it starts, close your eyes, and quietly mouth these five words: I don't know these people.? Say it, think it through, then open your eyes and you\’ll be ready to deal with whatever slop Hollywood, Bollywood, or uh, Dollywood (Dolly Parton?s theme park, nestled in the foothills of Tennessee?s Great Smoky Mountains!) is serving up for you today.
Let's examine my theory.? When a movie starts, you are introduced to people you have never met before.? Most viewers forget this obvious fact because they get caught up in the schmaltzy music or the ?acting? or ?directing.?? What separates me from the Kleenex pack is the fact that I break it down logically.? I've spent 60 minutes with this fictional character and now you want me to shed actual tears because he/she died?? I mean, that certainly wouldn't happen in real life.
Let's say I go into a coffee shop and meet a nice girl.? We?ll call her Kayla.? We flirt and chat for an hour as she tells me all about her childhood, her precious dolphin figurine collection, and her cool-but-sometimes-he-touches-me-inappropriately uncle Charles.? Then, as soon as she walks out of the store, BAM!? Kayla?s flattened dead by a stampede of wildebeests.? Am I shedding a tear over her death?? Of course not.? I'm tweeting that!
It's insensitive as F, but you know that's how you'd react too.? You couldn't cry for someone you just met an hour ago.? You?d still consider them a stranger.
You know who else is a stranger?? E.T.!? What do you care that he's sick or that he has to go home?? That's none of your concern.? A lot of people are sick and need to go home.? They?re kept at these places called hospitals.? But do you boo hoo every time you step foot in one?? No.? E.T. is a weird little dude with a candy fetish who probably feels slimy to the touch.? You don't know him.? Oh, and <spoiler alert> he isn't real.? Yeah, Spielberg had some guy named Carlo Rambaldi create him out of a mix of brie and gerbil meat.? Gross.
So the next time you're worried about tearing up, just remember ?I don't know these people.?? If you simply remember that you just met these fictional characters, you\’ll find the thought of crying over them more laughable than a Twilight marathon.? You may not thank me now, but you will when you notice all the tissues you've saved on Saving Private Ryan can be used instead on Shaving Ryan?s Privates.