Anyone who read The Guardian this weekend would have been in for a special treat.
The paper decided to give us a unique insight into the ‘mind’ of frazzled pop imbecile Pete Doherty. During his 13 days on remand in Pentonville prison, you see, Doherty had elected to treat the world to his prison diary.
The trouble is – to anyone unfamiliar with Doherty’s (ahem) style – the diary entries may have seemed like the deluded, barely-intelligible ramblings of a self-obsessed wannabe-cockney shithead operating with all the mental faculty of a lemon.
So – in a wonderful display of public service – hecklerspray has run a few of the extracts through our marvellous ‘Common Sense Translation’ machine.
And just look at the results …
1. Original Pete Doherty (CDs) Prison Diary excerpt:
‘The story starts here with a slap in the mush from some unsympathetic magistrate. I’m banged up in Pentonville with more than a tailor’s dozen charges on me tail. God knows why: the band should be smashing up the Toon, Glasgae and Shepherd’s Bush this weekend and instead I’m birded off on remand after a slow clucking duck walk (sitting too) through the bowels of Bethnal Green nick, Thames magistrates and now da ‘ville. Innit bleeding marvellous?’
hecklerspray translation:
Hello there! Old Petey-boy Doherty here! Did you ever get the sneaking feeling that I’m an essentially talentless chancer who pissed away what mediocre musical ability I do have in a cliche-ridden miasma of drug-addled stupidity? Heroin’s a particular fave of mine! Not through the usual means of addiction, though – you know, poor deprived people turning to drugs as some sort of necessary yet hellish escape mechanism – but more to do with the fact that I thought sticking a needle in my arm would look reeeealllyyy cool in a dreadfully ‘rock and roll’ sort of way!
Lawks-a-lawdy!
2. Original Pete Doherty Prison Diary excerpt:
‘For my own sake – because it feels like they have the power to cut off my head – I must become a hero, organise my life and obtain from it what they deny me. If I live, in order to continue to live with myself, I must have more talent than the most exquisite poet. These people can only put up with tamed heroes – they don’t know about heroism.’
hecklerspray translation:
‘You know what I think I might do when I get out? I’m going to carry on releasing haphazard, half-arsed drivel that sounds like the third-runner-up in a sixth-form Gothic poetry contest accompanied by the sort of ‘music’ that could be bettered by a guitar-clutching chimp riding a bike down a cobbled street!
Oh – and I’d better keep up this addiction malarkey too (despite my constant promises to those who care about me; a rapidly dwindling bunch, I might add). Let’s face it – if I’m not a junkie, how else am I going to convince legions of idiotic public school kids that I’m some sort of ‘tortured poet’ and that my inane brand of drivel can somehow rescue them from their destiny as second executive from the left in Daddy’s accounting company in roughly ten years time?
Cor Blimey, Guv’nor!
3. Original Pete Doherty Prison Diary excerpt:
‘I see paint-cracked walls stained with shite
long long lock-up days
Cold lonely nights
And I think to myself … what a wonderful world
I see men touching fists
Saying ‘watcha bruv’
screams from below
Shit parcels from above
And I think to myself …
I see my true love
On a Rimmel advert’
hecklerspray translation:
I am a cunt.
Read More:
Pete Doherty’s Prison Diary – Guardian
[story by C J Davies]
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
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YOU’RE A CUNT!
YOU SON OF A BITCH, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN >=X
JEALOUSE MUCH!? SERIOUSLY MATE GET A LIFE AND FUCK OFF! THIS MAN HAS MORE TALENT THAN YOU COULD EVER WISH FOR IN YOUR SHITTY LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A LIFE! I HOPE YOU DIE PAINFULLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS THE START OF SOMETHING BIG! WANNA SEE HOW IT ENDS? FOLLOW, FOLLOW AND HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS XXX
I’M GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!
Agreeed!
All I really have to say is that it seems that your knowledge of this man, and may i dare say life outside of the safe confinements of your office, is governed entirely by what has been dished up to you by the media. If you do not read the papers you are uninformed, if you read them you are misinformed. Simply do not believe everything you read. the media’s constant war at those it deems ‘un-fit members of society’ stems from it’s fear of it’s in-ability to control everything. But of course society loves to lose control through drinking huge volumes of alcohol each week. But when one chooses drugs as a method of escape, he is seen as a ‘junkie’ and his brand of ‘out of control’ is frowned upon and his personal gains and achievements put down but envious simpletons.
Your writing and language in this article are also shocking, seriously you may think you have a shot at journalism starting out with this website, but there is absolutely no character or depth to your words at all.
email me back if you wanna chat more.
if I’m not a junkie, how else am I going to convince legions of idiotic public school kids that I’m some sort of ‘tortured poet’
You’re a dick. im twelve and i am not an idiotic public school kid. obviously pete has some problems but underneath his trouble with drugs you can tell he is a very talented poet. it is clear to me that you don’t know a lot about pete doherty because if you had read any biographies of him then i would have thought you’d be a little more sympathetic than that.
i don’t think it was ever pete’s intention to get attention or sympathy from anyone. he is simply a writter who wants to share his poetry with people without the press interfering and refering to his life as “a story”. people should just leave pete doherty alone. its his life and he can choose how he wants to live it without being criticized.
your the imbecile. just because your job is shit doesn’t mean you should go around making other people look bad to make yourself feel good. you are obviously very insecure and you need to get a life.
I for one (before I had ever sampled Pete Doherty’s work) believed all the negative, nasty hype ie, that he was just a talentless scumbag etc, But then I forgot what the media “fed” me and tried him out for myself. I love his work!!! He’s a genuine talent. Ok, he’s gets off his head on drugs sometimes, but so what, so do a lot of people. I’m not condoning his drug use and he does recognise he has an actual problem, but people have been abusing substances ever since a pharmacist came into existence!
Pete is a extremely intelligent person. If you knew anything about the legend you’d know that he has an amazing amount of GCSEs and A Levels as well as being a superb poet. His lyrics are amazing and touch many people, including myself. Please know something about whoever you’re writing about before doing so as you end up being the idiot.
And just what are you doing with your life? I bet you’ve inspired thousands haven’t you? get a life sunshine at least pete has the guts to live life how he wants and make alot of people WITH TASTE feel you don’t have to have a meaningless life (like yours) and has a degree of intelligence. While you were ”translating” these diary entries did you wonder how long you’ll be a virgin for? Stupid prick you probably read the daly mail as well.
fuck you you cock, doherty is an idol he got nine a’s in his exams,he writes poetry,he is a fabulous artist,he is a lyricall genius. i think we can excuse him for his drug problems.
fuck you. just because he’s a junky doesnt cancel out his worth as a person. and hes a fucking lyrical genious i dont know how u can refer to his work as drivel. as haphazard as his workk is it somehow still manages to communicate real, raw, fucking authentic emotions that no one else can nail even when theyre sober. u dont fucking have a clue what you’re even saying
fuck it, it’s funny…
very poor article. badly written, weakly conceived, uninformative and hackneyed approach to a genuinely interesting subject.
what gives you the right to decide what the man meant, and u dont even know anything about his life, none of us do, unless one of you guys on here know him personally, which i hightly doubt.
this is a pathetic attempt at bringing somebody down simply because ur bored and have decided you dont particularilly enjoy his work.
by the way, you’re the bloody cunt for writting this fucking article
That was incredibly mean. Pete is amazing and yes he may be addicted to heroin but that doesn’t mean that he should take that kind of shit that you wrote and what the media write about him.
Why don’t you stop reading the shite in newspapers and magazines and listen to his music and read his lyrics. Much better than any bollocks you could write.
I love Pete he’s amazing,he does have feelings too,bet he wouldn’t like to read this crap you wrote about him.
Get a life and don’t always believe the papers,cunt.
You can fuck off mate. Pete has more talent and vision than you have ever had a wet dream about.
get back to your girlfriend , she’s starting to deflate.
Who are you? How many records have you sold? How many supermodels have you dated? Ur just a sad case with nothing better to do than hate Peter is a genius with more talent in his crack riddled shit than you will ever have. How jealous are you?
Okay I have to say: He does make stupid things. He thinks, that he isn’t addicted… But he is.
He’s a deep, true and very sensitive soul and he did mistakes – but is that a reason to talk about him like that? It istn’t, I think. You should take care about your own problems, ’cause you aren’t perfect, too.
Pete is unbelivable talented (okay – you might not think like that), but he needs help. He can’t controlle his life and doesn’t think about any consequences of anything. But the thing is: He needs help to rise up again. How should he has a normal life again, if he even doesn’t know what “a normal life” means? People only see drug, alcohol and partys but not the man behind all that stuff.
You convict him, because he is sick?
Maybe you need help, too.
… by the way: My english isn’t perfect – I’m from Germany.
Pete, try to be strong.
clearly you’ve never read any of his work, listened to any of his songs or heard what he has to say, or, otherwise, you’re just an incredibly narrow-minded, unintelligent idiot. maybe listen to some of his music, and you’ll change your mind. however, i doubt it, because it’s people like you that are so fucking judgemental that they cause people to turn to drugs in the first place. twat
Wow, you can’t even make fun of this. The reader knows that this is overly harsh and doesn’t make the reader laugh. The first sight of his writings show that he’s a talented writer and can express himself creatively and intellectually. He is a druggie but that doesn’t mean that he’s just a druggie. He’s a gifted poet and is marked off as just a crackhead. Well the reason that he’s even noticed by the media was because he was in a talented band and through his fame and talent was able to date Kate Moss. You assholes that “interpreted” it know that when you first read the excerpts that they were something deep and profound.
seriously poorly thought out discription there ”idiotic school kids”your a dick.Im 14 and I reckon I could write better poetry than you.Needless to say Pete Doherty could write 100 and 1 times better than you!! nice i like how all these people think ha and ya fuck you man!!! what gives you the right!!hey excellent comment from dru up there
get a real job you sad cunt
i fucking hate you. he is a genius, he more talent than you can even imagain, how you got this measily small minded inward looking job to massage your colossal ego, i havent a clue, but i hope to god you get aids soon, much love from one cunt to another x
he has inspired more people than u could ever dream of. u suck cock u fucker
it’s probably pointless commenting on this 4 years after it was written, but I’d just like to agree with the majority of the comments already posted and say that you are a narrowminded idiot who clearly cant appreciate or recognize true talent and you should get a proper job instead of spending your time being bitter and jealous.
‘i see my true love in a rimmel advert’
To the author of this article.
What a pile of nasty, insipid shit.
To even call this an article would be praise. It is no more than trash, utterly useless. One would pity the writer had they not shown such utter heartlessness, such disregard for another human being.
How does it benefit you?, may I ask? You must indeed have a sad, sad life. You must sit, in your darkened room, and pour all the hatred in your tiny mind towards someone who is obviously a far better, cleverer person than you ever could be. Pete is one of the greatest lyricists of all time, and a true poet. He is kind, caring and charming. He would never write such a pile of hateful rubbish as this. I’m glad everyone else on this message board sees through your article, and you. Now go and crawl back into the hole that you belong in.
it takes alot more talent to write poetry and music than it does to do an extremely childish insignificant translation. your so fucking sad but its quite funny how you say you hate him so much yet you will quite happily obsess over him? irony. get a life yeh
I beleive it says, ‘Gossip for grown ups’ at the top.. I’ve never read such narrow minded immature approach to a situation. Isn’t it immature to draw conclusions on an individual based on no/little understanding with stereotypical and media based opinion?
To be fair, it’s an extremely poor attempt to be witty and made 9/10 people wince rather than laugh i’m sure.
A strong and respectable opinion is one that doesn’t write off either sides of an arguement i think, so yes , he has absolutely damaged himself and deprived himself of fulfilling the whole of potential- yet some of that potential has been produced and it is magical in the intelligent manner his uplifting poetry and songs have been created. The Libertines and Baby Shambles are under-rated enough in the sense that they deserve the respect of the whole population despite life choices of Pete, and people like you who are blatently insecure in themselves for lack of success in life, feel the need to hit out at succesful and ICONIC individuals to increase your own self esteem.
Consider a Tai bride or a psychologist because your issues won’t be resolved with your ridiculous rants at other people’s success.
MUCH LOVE, Wood x
The person who wrote this is mentally retarded.
Mate, i thought this would have been slightly open minded ?? Fuck this Hecklerspray shit, seems like a another sheepish view from a 13 year old kid. Enjoy your colouring books
x
i like pete, hes very talented. but seriously, this is fucking hilarious
By far the most ridiculous thing I have EVER read.
You clearly have never looked further into the life of the Peter than what is thrown around about him. Learn about the man before you post so much shit on a website.
He is the most talented poet and songwriter I can think of, and I respect him.
Try finding out more about him.. You absolute bellend.
Pete Doherty is a genius, (apart from the addictions) you sir, on the other hand are a top class cunto! Good night
You are truely pathetic. Stop wasting your time trying to be smart and be rude about someone with beautiful raw talent.
You sure are an idiot.
this is very poor you wish that you had any talent whatsoever and your mother wishes that she had an abortion. your are not a talented journalist and when you die your eulogy will read as such. ” this man had very little talent for writing and journalisism and very little else can be said about his life. his mother was a whore and his father deserved the death that he recieved. he will not be missed by anyone and his tombstone will be pissed upon. if he wasn’t such a cunt he might be missd by someone but sadly he wasn’t and so no one will care when he leaves this world” sorry mate but you will be forgotten and pete will live on through his poetic glory. he may be a junkie criminal but he still has more talent than you! unlucky chucky.
First, I’d like to quickly say that I’m not a Pete Doherty fan, so this is in no way an angry attempt to bash you for insultng my hero or anything like that.
I don’t know if you write just in your spare time for fun, or if you are/are trying to be, a professional writer. If it’s the first one then fine, don’t take yourself too seriously and have fun. If you’re hoping to write as a career, then I’d humbly suggest that you rethink it and pick some other avenue.
To be honest,
I was having a great night and stumbled across this muck!
You are a narrow mind piece of shit, who honestly really needs to consider his choices in life.
What have you done, you have my E-mail so let me know?
Pete Doherty is one of the greatest Musicians/poets/Libertines (in the literal sense of the word) of the 21st century, he makes millions of people happy and what do you do?
I’m not going to sit here and try and slate your life because i don’t know you, but if you have achieved as much as Pete then i take my hat off to you, chances are you haven’t though have you mate?
Being a musician myself he has inspired me greatly and im sure i’m not the only one.
His Music and poetry are separate from his personal life, so why bring both into context, that is what makes you piece of shit beyond anything else, you took something beautiful and tried to shit on it.
News for you bub, no dice……
Enjoy whatever it is you do with yourself, but look at yourself in the mirror and think “to lash out at such a soul as Peter Doherty there must be some serious self esteem issues” and i for one think you may be right……
That is all……Rot in shit!
Yeah, he’s a dirty dirty druggie. Just like Wordsworth, Coleridge, Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron, John Keats, Chaucer and Shakespeare – all of which have either openly written/talked about their experiences on drugs or have portrayed the personal effects of directly taking drugs through a “character” though more accurately a pseudonym.
To sum up his literature in a sentence such as “i am a c**t” shows complete lack of compassion and an inability to translate his work. It’s the sort of thing you would expect to find written in excrement on the toilet wall of a soon-to-be-closed, under-achieving high school.
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