Read Pete Doherty’s Prison Diary
Anyone who read The Guardian this weekend would have been in for a special treat.
The paper decided to give us a unique insight into the ‘mind’ of frazzled pop imbecile Pete Doherty. During his 13 days on remand in Pentonville prison, you see, Doherty had elected to treat the world to his prison diary.
The trouble is – to anyone unfamiliar with Doherty’s (ahem) style – the diary entries may have seemed like the deluded, barely-intelligible ramblings of a self-obsessed wannabe-cockney shithead operating with all the mental faculty of a lemon.
So – in a wonderful display of public service – hecklerspray has run a few of the extracts through our marvellous ‘Common Sense Translation’ machine.
And just look at the results …
1. Original Pete Doherty (CDs) Prison Diary excerpt:
‘The story starts here with a slap in the mush from some unsympathetic magistrate. I’m banged up in Pentonville with more than a tailor’s dozen charges on me tail. God knows why: the band should be smashing up the Toon, Glasgae and Shepherd’s Bush this weekend and instead I’m birded off on remand after a slow clucking duck walk (sitting too) through the bowels of Bethnal Green nick, Thames magistrates and now da ‘ville. Innit bleeding marvellous?’
hecklerspray translation:
Hello there! Old Petey-boy Doherty here! Did you ever get the sneaking feeling that I’m an essentially talentless chancer who pissed away what mediocre musical ability I do have in a cliche-ridden miasma of drug-addled stupidity? Heroin’s a particular fave of mine! Not through the usual means of addiction, though – you know, poor deprived people turning to drugs as some sort of necessary yet hellish escape mechanism – but more to do with the fact that I thought sticking a needle in my arm would look reeeealllyyy cool in a dreadfully ‘rock and roll’ sort of way!
Lawks-a-lawdy!
2. Original Pete Doherty Prison Diary excerpt:
‘For my own sake – because it feels like they have the power to cut off my head – I must become a hero, organise my life and obtain from it what they deny me. If I live, in order to continue to live with myself, I must have more talent than the most exquisite poet. These people can only put up with tamed heroes – they don’t know about heroism.’
hecklerspray translation:
‘You know what I think I might do when I get out? I’m going to carry on releasing haphazard, half-arsed drivel that sounds like the third-runner-up in a sixth-form Gothic poetry contest accompanied by the sort of ‘music’ that could be bettered by a guitar-clutching chimp riding a bike down a cobbled street!
Oh – and I’d better keep up this addiction malarkey too (despite my constant promises to those who care about me; a rapidly dwindling bunch, I might add). Let’s face it – if I’m not a junkie, how else am I going to convince legions of idiotic public school kids that I’m some sort of ‘tortured poet’ and that my inane brand of drivel can somehow rescue them from their destiny as second executive from the left in Daddy’s accounting company in roughly ten years time?
Cor Blimey, Guv’nor!
3. Original Pete Doherty Prison Diary excerpt:
‘I see paint-cracked walls stained with shite
long long lock-up days
Cold lonely nights
And I think to myself … what a wonderful world
I see men touching fists
Saying ‘watcha bruv’
screams from below
Shit parcels from above
And I think to myself …
I see my true love
On a Rimmel advert’
hecklerspray translation:
I am a cunt.
Read More:
Pete Doherty’s Prison Diary – Guardian
[story by C J Davies]
YOU’RE A CUNT!
YOU SON OF A BITCH, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN >=X
JEALOUSE MUCH!? SERIOUSLY MATE GET A LIFE AND FUCK OFF! THIS MAN HAS MORE TALENT THAN YOU COULD EVER WISH FOR IN YOUR SHITTY LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A LIFE! I HOPE YOU DIE PAINFULLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS THE START OF SOMETHING BIG! WANNA SEE HOW IT ENDS? FOLLOW, FOLLOW AND HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS XXX
I’M GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!
All I really have to say is that it seems that your knowledge of this man, and may i dare say life outside of the safe confinements of your office, is governed entirely by what has been dished up to you by the media. If you do not read the papers you are uninformed, if you read them you are misinformed. Simply do not believe everything you read. the media’s constant war at those it deems ‘un-fit members of society’ stems from it’s fear of it’s in-ability to control everything. But of course society loves to lose control through drinking huge volumes of alcohol each week. But when one chooses drugs as a method of escape, he is seen as a ‘junkie’ and his brand of ‘out of control’ is frowned upon and his personal gains and achievements put down but envious simpletons.
Your writing and language in this article are also shocking, seriously you may think you have a shot at journalism starting out with this website, but there is absolutely no character or depth to your words at all.
email me back if you wanna chat more.
if I’m not a junkie, how else am I going to convince legions of idiotic public school kids that I’m some sort of ‘tortured poet’
You’re a dick. im twelve and i am not an idiotic public school kid. obviously pete has some problems but underneath his trouble with drugs you can tell he is a very talented poet. it is clear to me that you don’t know a lot about pete doherty because if you had read any biographies of him then i would have thought you’d be a little more sympathetic than that.
i don’t think it was ever pete’s intention to get attention or sympathy from anyone. he is simply a writter who wants to share his poetry with people without the press interfering and refering to his life as “a story”. people should just leave pete doherty alone. its his life and he can choose how he wants to live it without being criticized.
your the imbecile. just because your job is shit doesn’t mean you should go around making other people look bad to make yourself feel good. you are obviously very insecure and you need to get a life.
I for one (before I had ever sampled Pete Doherty’s work) believed all the negative, nasty hype ie, that he was just a talentless scumbag etc, But then I forgot what the media “fed” me and tried him out for myself. I love his work!!! He’s a genuine talent. Ok, he’s gets off his head on drugs sometimes, but so what, so do a lot of people. I’m not condoning his drug use and he does recognise he has an actual problem, but people have been abusing substances ever since a pharmacist came into existence!
Pete is a extremely intelligent person. If you knew anything about the legend you’d know that he has an amazing amount of GCSEs and A Levels as well as being a superb poet. His lyrics are amazing and touch many people, including myself. Please know something about whoever you’re writing about before doing so as you end up being the idiot.
And just what are you doing with your life? I bet you’ve inspired thousands haven’t you? get a life sunshine at least pete has the guts to live life how he wants and make alot of people WITH TASTE feel you don’t have to have a meaningless life (like yours) and has a degree of intelligence. While you were ”translating” these diary entries did you wonder how long you’ll be a virgin for? Stupid prick you probably read the daly mail as well.
fuck you you cock, doherty is an idol he got nine a’s in his exams,he writes poetry,he is a fabulous artist,he is a lyricall genius. i think we can excuse him for his drug problems.
fuck you. just because he’s a junky doesnt cancel out his worth as a person. and hes a fucking lyrical genious i dont know how u can refer to his work as drivel. as haphazard as his workk is it somehow still manages to communicate real, raw, fucking authentic emotions that no one else can nail even when theyre sober. u dont fucking have a clue what you’re even saying
fuck it, it’s funny…