Ralph Fiennes Taking AIDS Test? What Now?

You read that headline right - but don't worry, as we already shipped Fiennes a plethora of multi-coloured #2 pencils via next-day air. Good luck Ralph, and remember to review your notes 30 minutes before entering the testing centre! What's that you say? AIDS tests have nothing to do with scantron sheets and a big ticking clock? Well don't we feel foolish.

Come again? You say AIDS testing has more to do with the thorough examination of blood from an individual who, among other things, may have been sexually promiscuous in a short burst of unquenchable horniness? Pardon us? You say the ex-cop stewardess rumoured to have briefly been the jacket on Ralph Fiennes' stubby coat-hook in an airplane bathroom just came clean and admitted she used to turn tricks?

Land alive! What an intriguing story!

Now as a website, hecklerspray really tries to only tell uplifting prostitute stories - like the ones of James Brown reaching adulthood before he was finally buried, or the time the one prostitute was saved by wolves who then demanded she go back to the village and hook for freshly killed squirrel. The link for that second prostitute story has been misplaced.

Once we had a hooker story for you and we didn't even know it. Well technically at the time it broke, nobody knew all the details. We're talking, of course, about the time Ralph Fiennes totally bonked an ex-cop turned stewardess in an airplane bathroom. The stewardess' name in Lisa Robertson, and at the time she said:

"While conversing with Mr Fiennes during my break, I expressed a need to go to the toilet. I entered it, he followed me and entered the same toilet. I explained to him that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. Mr Fiennes became amorous towards me and, after a short period of time, I convinced him to leave the toilet."

Now that Fiennes and his at-the-ready turkey baster are so many miles away, Robertson has completely flipped her story around:

"I just stood up, reached down for his hand and told him to follow me. We went into the toilet and locked the door and off came much of our clothes."

The encounter, you may like to know, is being advertised as having been 'unprotected,' which we think is latin for something. Oh, and the cop/stewardess the actor slept with - it turns out she's actually a cop/stewardess/prostitute. As the Daily Mail wrote it down:

"Ralph Fiennes was urged to take an Aids test yesterday after the air stewardess who seduced him on a Qantas jet admitted she had previously worked as a high-class prostitute. Lisa Robertson, 38, said she earned up to £800 a night in an upmarket Sydney brothel while working for the Australian airline. She told a Sydney newspaper she first sold herself to pay the rent "because I was too proud to ask anyone for money"."

You see that first part? They said 'AIDS test'. The stewardess mentioned elsewhere something about how she might be pregnant from the lack of protection. And Ralph Fiennes is an AIDS ambassador of some sort. And we heard there may be a sequel to The Constant Gardener. And we heard Fiennes has got a puppy that won't even love him back. Things just keep getting worse for that guy.

All the best though, and what-not.

Read More:

Fiennes Faces HIV Test - The Daily Telegraph