Yesterday morning we woke up to find 50-plus valentine cards stuffed through our door slot. They were all from Anna Nicole Smith, whose baby we just took a number to get in line for. Anna wrote of her love for us from beyond the grave, which was really pretty gross, but her dead hand did it in such beautiful cursive we didn’t even care that crusty brown fingernails fell out of four of the cards. She must have been pressing really hard. Too soon?

But that’s just what love is – the overlooking of flaws like lisps, cheese preferences, and not being alive anymore. Shock-Jock Howard Stern’s new fiancé knows. She just got engaged to a guy who’s going to make her watch the Annabel Chong Story and like it.  That’s right people, Howard Stern (the real Howard Stern) just got engaged, and he gives all sorts of disgusting details on how it happened. 

Excuse us if you will, while we lean into our waste basket and heave a little. 

Howard Stern is not-not unattractive, and yet cupid’s arrow somehow stabbed somebody in his favour anyway. He's just proposed to his girlfriend – a blonde model/actress.  We’ve heard that upon first hearing the news, Larry Birkhead was pissed, and screamed about how something sick and posthumous was going on. 

Getting back on topic, ugly ol’ Howard Stern is making things happen. He found a lady love (Beth Ostrosky) and he’s going to marry her for at least a good solid year and a half. MTV News describes his question popping like this: 

"Do you want your Valentine's Day gift now?" Stern said this morning, recalling how he'd proposed to the woman known to fans as "Beth O." When the model told Stern she wanted her present early, he instructed her to strip down. Stern said she protested, insisting that she was too "fat" to disrobe. His first thought, he said, was "any girl who looks like that and thinks she's fat — I've got a chance with her.” When Ostrosky did get naked, Stern said he handed her a 5.2 carat diamond ring. "I love you. You're everything to me," Stern recalled saying. "This is so gay. … I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me." Ostrosky said "Yes," and Stern said the couple made love immediately after; Ostrosky claims she had her "hand up and was looking at my ring the whole time" the two were in bed.

For any of you who somehow managed to keep reading this – was that sick or what? What’s even stranger is that Ostrosky was later quoted as saying:

“You know, if it doesn’t work out with Howard, maybe I’ll give David Lee Roth a try.”

Ostrosky never said that.

Read More:

Wedding Bells Loom for Other Howard Stern – E! Online