Rachel Uchitel is so lucky. At just 34 years of age, she’s successfully realised all of her ambitions.
All of any girl’s ambitions. She’s shagged Tiger Woods. And she’s shagged that bloke who used to be on Buffy The Vampire Slayer but isn’t any more. And since those are the only two ambitions that all women really have, that makes Rachel Uchitel a kind of powerfully aspirational feminist figure. But what’s next for her? Obviously her stock in trade is demolishing the marriages of male celebrities who reached the peak of their fame a decade ago – so should she try and have it off with Eli?n Gonzalez or the lead singer of The Bloodhound Gang?
No, Rachel Uchitel doesn’t like to repeat herself. That’s why she’s apparently signed up to do a nude photoshoot for Playboy instead. You’ll only see her tits and arse in it, though. She’s not a whore.
In case any of you were wondering, the answer is six months. Six months is how long you should wait between having sex with a horny billionaire athlete and taking your clothes off for a magazine in exchange for cash. We thought the gap would have been a lot longer than six months, but we hadn’t factored in a profound lack of dignity on the subject’s part. So thanks to Rachel Uchitel for putting us straight.
That’s right, Rachel Uchitel – the woman who was named as Tiger Woods’s first mistress back in November and was recently linked to David Boreanaz’s marriage woes – has decided to do away with that hokey old ‘holding a coffee cup and wearing an acceptable amount of clothing and pretending to be a normal person‘ shtick that she’s been clinging to since last December. And, inevitably, she’s decided to replace it with a brand new ‘wearing no clothes at all and pretending to be an actual prostitute’ shtick by agreeing to appear in Playboy. TMZ reports:
TMZ has learned Rachel Uchitel has signed a deal to get naked for Playboy Magazine — but there’s a full-frontal catch. A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks. We’re also told Rachel won’t be baring it all — just the backside … and the topside.
So Hugh Hefner asked Rachel Uchitel to be in Playboy. There’s no point in Rachel Uchitel getting a big head about this, though – Hugh Hefner asks everyone to be in Playboy. He’s asked Jennifer Aniston to be in Playboy. He’s asked Kate Gosselin to be in Playboy. He’s asked Miley Cyrus to be in Playboy. The sole difference is that Rachel Uchitel is the only one stupid enough to say yes.
But, still, kudos to Rachel Uchitel for drawing some limitations on the photoshoot. She’s absolutely right not to want to display her vagina in the photos, because she’s hardly going to be able to break up any more celebrity marriages if everybody knows what it looks like, is she? Also, you know, it’s probably looking pretty shopworn by now.
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