R Kelly Is A Boulevard Found In Many US Cities. Or Something.

According to a recent one-question single-man poll, R Kelly is the most important person alive today.

Not only that, R Kelly is also a far superior specimen than several important men from history. For instance, the first three tracks off his second album could easily beat-up Alexander the Great's super-strong army of ninja squadrons. Also we heard he once sang several wonderful songs directly into Napoleon's mummified dinky-doo. In Kelly's neighbourhood such an act is a clear display of dominance. Do you understand now?

Because he's so awesome and everybody knows it, Kelly recently compared himself to Martin Luther King Jr, one of the most important global figures of the past two years or so. Since Kelly's well thought-out, lyrically perfect comparison, several raging people have expressed outrage at his enraging, rage-erific words.

Such people have forgotten the truest meaning of the word forgiveness. Amen.

R Kelly, a man who our sources tell us is writing more Bible, is greater than all great men rolled up into one gigantic great-man ball. It's true because he said so, and someone that important wouldn't lie:

"I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."

Kelly said as much in a forth coming edition of Hip Hop Soul magazine. His claim hasn't come without public backlash - enough that his slave had to try to clear things up:

"[Kelly] doesn't think he's Martin Luther King. He's comparing the fact that he is a prolific songwriter of his time; now it's turned into something else."

Never back peddle the truth, Kelly-slave, because the truth shall set you free. We thought the comments a bit odd at first too, but upon achieving the enlightenment that only watching a grown man sing with Yosemite Sam about flying (100 times in a row) can bring, we get it now.

We believe Kelly, in all of the wisdom he possesses, was spot on with his King comparison. Here are a few similarities directly spelled out for you:

1) Both men are Black.

2) Both men have (or had) similarly textured hair.

3) King fought hard to change the US government for the better, while the US government is fighting hard to make Kelly stop allegedly man-jabbing children on video.

4) King was sadly assassinated, while Kelly has the fathers of a few alleged underage sex-partners that want to kill him.

5) Kelly likes doing overly-long one-man productions about what it's like to be gay in a very small room filled with clothes and shoes, while homosexuality wasn't even invented until well over a year after King learned what it was.

See that? They're basically the same person.

Read More:

R. Kelly Compares Himself To Martin Luther King - CBS 42