R Kelly Getting Dragged Through The Legal Crapper

hecklerspray has recently achieved a level of celebrity previously unparallelled by anything but the sun and stars themselves. Case in point - the other day we were going to the corner store when a paparazzi cleverly disguised as an 85-year-old Japanese tourist approached us with a disposable camera.

We weren't having it. After a very lengthy struggle we managed to throttle the lady's leg a little bit with her own camera strap, and to rub our inner-elbow all over her shrieks and tears. This was all followed by a quick rest on a bench, and an agreement to finally take a picture of her and her five generations of descendants she'd brought with her on her horrible celebrity-stalking vacation - why can't they just leave us alone?! Not yet though. Nobody leave us alone yet. But that's the price you pay though, you know, for incredible fame. The kind we achieved about a week ago.

Fame's not all down-sides though. You get to beat people up with little to no serious consequence. That's pretty nice right? R Kelly is reported to have taken advantage of that not too long ago, and right in some guy's face no less.

If you are the kind of person that likes to bludgeon things in the face, perhaps celebrity status is worth a looksy.

Think about it - Naomi Campbell (supposedly) got to bloody around five different people in the past eight-or-so years, Russell Crowe gets to bash in unsuspecting bellhop's faces with hotel telephones, and Liza Minnelli - according to David Gest -  asphyxiated him with the camel clutch to the point of blackout, and then spun him around by the ankles until she'd developed enough momentum to throw him off a seventh story balcony, over six flaming school buses lined up end to end, and into a pool of ravaging bloodied sharks. Actually we forget the exact details of the Minnelli/Gest fiasco, but you see where we're going here.

R Kelly's dipped his hand in that cookie jar too - or so says Henry "Love" Vaughn, a man that refers to Kelly as his one time protégé. For starters Vaughn claims Kelly stole a song from him, or more precisely the concept for a song. When "Love" went to Kelly's place for a confrontation, he got dragged to the basement by some goons who held him firmly in place while Kelly tested Love's skull structure in a brazen knuckle-filled sort of way. R Kelly's slave called the new allegations a:

"…pathetic collection of half-truths, distortions, and outright lies."

Kelly's had legal trouble before. In 2002 he got strung up for apparently peeing (among other things) all over a 14-year-old girl and videotaping it for future posterity. Other sex tapes have landed him in the hot seat through the years, but we honestly don't want to research the specifics because it might make his music less good to us.

As that's only possible by a very small amount, we will unload some more of the shady allegations he's had knock on his door - he was indicted in 2003 for possession of child pornography (these charges were later dropped due to police error), he's rumoured to have boned some baseball player's wife on tape, a stripper sued him for recording her while she was on the clock, two other underage lawsuits were settled out of court, and some lady once sued him for impregnating her when she was 16 and then forcing her to get an abortion. It wasn't with a coat hanger. Nobody on hecklerspray ever said anything about a coat hanger.

Keep in mind most of that lengthy list is only alleged - it's their word against his. Some charges, though, are still hanging over his head. One unofficial allegation he definitely shook is that in 1996 he made love to Daffy Duck. The story goes that someone on the set of Space Jam kept playing loads of Enya and the mood just took 'em.  

Imagine what would have happened if it had been John Tesh.

Read more:

R. Kelly Employee Claims Singer Beat Him, Stole His Step - MTV

[story by Shawn Lindseth]