There was a time when we seriously considered messing with Queen Latifa, but then a brick crashed through our window with a note that said “I am gonna eat you with a side salad, My Brotha.”

We still don’t know who that was from, but today we’re almost entirely in-tact and just don’t really care. We figure it might have been the Queen though, so we abandoned our nefarious plans, resulting in enough spare toilet paper to last us three entire years.

We were gonna get her – but good!

Some people though, the kind that have never had masonry thrown through their living-room windows, they still think it’s OK to mess with Queeny. For instance there’s some crappy-looking Christmas movie that we’ve never heard of wherein she had a cameo – they didn’t pay her for it.

Thing is – she was even on screen for several minutes!

Queen Latifa wants her money and she wants it now. So either you see to it she gets paid, or we’re gonna have to make this little encounter unpleasant. She says you owe her $275,000 – but she wants it all in meatball sandwiches. We suggest you start rolling meat, and maybe buy a bigger refrigerator to keep it in until she decides it’s time to eat. We suggest the Frigidaire line. They have wonderful technicians that will come to your home to help hook things up – plus a terrific warranty.

Now readers, let us ask you – was that intimidating? We were really hoping it was but it’s hard to tell how things come across in such neatly typed columns. We do feel tough right now, though. In fact let’s take it all a step further and tell Queen Latifa that half those meatball sandwiches – half of them are ours. We shall eat them at our own leisure and there’s nothing she can hopefully do about it.

We told her we were expensive when she hired us.

But Latifa didn’t really hire us, and she’s little to no interest in receiving payments in anything but bank-transferrable denominations. She actually wants the money she’s owed so badly that she’s willing to sue for it. Reuters says:

“Lawyers for Queen Latifah, an Academy Award-nominated actress and Grammy Award-winning singer whose real name is Dana Owens, said in a lawsuit filed in Manhattan federal court the California-based company, Perfect Christmas Productions, had breached her contract and owed her $275,000 for a cameo role in the [probably crappy] film.

“The Perfect Holiday,” which was also produced by Owens, 38, was released in December 2007, starring Terrence Howard and Gabrielle Union. It grossed more than $5.8 million by February, 2008 in the United States, according to Box Office Mojo.”

We threw in the [probably crappy] bit up there – did you see it? That there is the power of parentheses. They are largely unchallenged in the written world, and can clarify absolutely anything.

Back to Queeny though – she’s suing some small movie company because they never coughed up her earnings. Not a wise move, movie company – she used to be a rapper you know. You don’t mess with rappers.

Unless they’re already crying. If it’s a crying rapper the gloves come right off.

To read more, see “Latifah: They Took a Holiday from Paying Me!” on TMZ