While performing “Irreplaceable” in Brazil on Sunday, Beyoncé was nearly MURDERED by a crazy fan. Okay, not really — he just got too excited and pulled her offstage and probably hugged her so hard her eyeballs popped out a little bit, but chances are he thinks about murdering her and wearing her skin around while he dances and sings along to “Single Ladies”, so it’s practically the same thing.
A few people cheered as she hit the crowd, but it was less of a “YEAH BITCH WENT DOWN!” cheer and more of a “OMG SHE’S AT EMBRACE-LEVEL, LET’S GET HER!”Luckily Bey was not smothered by adoring revelers, and, unsurprisingly the incident didn’t faze her at all — after her security guards helped her back onstage she continued performing as though nothing happened (just like when she was attacked by an electric fan!), and while I would’ve been like “Purell. I need Purell! I have peasant fingerprints all over me!”
I’m assuming she has a very fine outer-skin made of gold and diamonds that repels any and all germs. I also wondered if he maybe got a thatch of her weave, but then I remembered her wigs are all made of extremely well-conditioned indestructible horse hair.
Check out the video below:
As you can see, Bey was nice enough to stop her guards from hauling the guy out and beating him (again, I probably would have ordered him to the stocks), shake his hand, and ask him his name. Possibly a ploy to speed up the inevitable restraining order process? Crafty, Bey, very crafty.
Still, I worry that this gracious and classy response is going to set a horrifying precedent and make her fans think it’s okay to just grab her anytime they like. She should get some kind of chastity belt to keep their paws off her vag, because you know that’s the first thing they’ll go after.