It's a sad state of affairs when the contestants of last year's Celebrity Big Brother manage to be more interesting and newsworthy than the contestants of this year's Celebrity Big Brother – perhaps the new lot could learn from Preston.
Preston – or Chantelle's Rock Star Husband Preston, to use his full magazine-endorsed name – has hit the news for walking off unfunny past-its-sell-by-date music panel quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks in a self-important huff after host Simon Amstell read some of his wife's autobiography out in a funny way. See Americans, you can stick your Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump feuds up your arse; we've got our very own celebrity scrap that's just as good as yours – or at least it would be if Simon Amstell and Preston Out Of Big Brother were mega-wealthy media and real estate tycoons and not some bloke from the world's worst band and the boy from Popworld.
When it comes to celebrity feuds, you have your a-list, like Paul McCartney Vs Yoko Ono; then there's your b-list, featuring Rosie O'Donnell Vs Donald Trump; then a c-list, mainly containing Lindsay Lohan Vs Reality – and then there's Preston Out Of Big Brother and Simon Amstell from Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Scientists are hard at work trying to label this particular feud, but first need to come up with a new letter that comes six or seven places after z.
Here's mainly why Preston Out Of Big Brother and Simon Amstell from Never Mind The Buzzcocks have fallen out: in 2006 Preston – from indie no-mark band The Ordinary Boys – cashed in his almost-dropped musical credibility to appear on Celebrity Big Brother. Even though Preston had a girlfriend at the time, he fell in love with deliberately unfamous housemate Chantelle during the show. When Chantelle eventually won Celebrity Big Brother Preston ditched his girlfriend, got hitched to Chantelle and became a Bella-friendly woman's magazine staple, which allowed him to carry on with his dreadful music career and release all kinds of not-quite-top-ten singles. And then Chantelle wrote a book. And that's where the trouble started.
One of Simon Amstell's tricks on Never Mind The The Buzzcocks is to hilariously read from the guests' autobiographies in a sarcastic voice. As well as being just about the laziest way to fill up half an hour of broadcast television, it also makes idiots from shit bands really upset, so when Simon Amstell read this, from Chantelle's autobiography I Like Nice Things I Do (or whatever)…
"I've always loved M&S but it has always been too expensive for me. The photo shoot made me feel very posh and upmarket."
…Preston threw a wobbly and walked out of the studio, and out of Simon Amstell's heart forever. And now Preston has decided to speak out about why he flounced off Never Mind The Buzzcocks like a whiny little girl:
“If that was in any other situation I would have hit him and knocked him out. Obviously I didn’t want to resort to those sorts of things, so I just had to remove myself from the situation. If I’d had to look at his snotty little public schoolboy failed-career face, I would have hit him. He’s got no charm.”
That's Preston there, the snotty, charmless, failed-career popstar talking about Simon Amstell, who hosts his own prime-time TV show. Oh, hey, did we mention that a new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks conveniently starts in two weeks, and Preston's band The Ordinary Boys conveniently have a single coming out on Monday. Did we mention that?
And Chantelle's autobiography is still in all good bookshops, obviously. But that's just because only wankers buy it.