To see Hugh Grant in a movie, you'd think that he was just a regular middle-aged man who's cripplingly unable to do up his shirt buttons and learns about emotional maturity by banging Drew Barrymore under a piano, but there's more to him.
Like heartbreak, for example. Hugh Grant has just realised that writing a hokey love song and stuttering like a posh shell-shocked rapper all the bloody time isn't the best key to finding love – at the weekend, Hugh Grant announced his split with Jemima Khan, the only human being in the word more hoity-toity that Hugh Grant himself. Judging by the way the celebrity world seems to be working at the moment, the split with Jemima probably means that Hugh Grant is either going to collapse and die soon or shave his head off, cry a lot and flog the leftovers on eBay. We'll let you know when it happens.
Everyone's favourite butch lesbian Hugh Grant has been in the news an awful lot lately. Much of that has to do with Music And Lyrics – Hugh Grant's brave new leap into the unexplored territories of sappy romantic comedy, where he sings a song to Drew Barrymore and they have it off. Thanks to Music And Lyrics, Hugh Grant has had to admit how rubbish he is at most things, but now he's having to face up to the fact that he's also pretty rubbish at going out with posh horsey-looking women too.
Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan – daughter of the baddie from Star Trek II – have split up after three years of occasionally getting photographed joylessly plodding around on a beach on holiday and being discussed in the sort of rah-rah magazines that instinctively make us want to go and torch a stately home, as BBC News reports:
A spokesman for the couple said: "It is an entirely amicable split but both regard it as a private matter and will not be making any further statements."
That's not especially fun, is it? Rumours about why Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan split include Jemima's resentment that Hugh Grant was still fond of Elizabeth Hurley even though during their relationship he got caught with a whore and she might have had an affair with Tom Sizemore, Jemima's resentment that Hugh Grant was too close to Drew Barrymore during the filming of Music And Lyrics, resentment that Hugh Grant was calling a posh woman from a movie studio too much, Jemima's resentment that she was saddled with a stuttering twit and Jemima's resentment that Hugh Grant wouldn't marry her and have some children with her.
That last one sounds particularly far-fetched because just last month Hugh Grant was yammering on about wanting children like a thing possessed. Maybe in retrospect Hugh was trying to publicly reassure Jemima of his intentions, but who knows? Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan have split up and that means just one thing – there's going to be a creepy 46-year-old letch hitting the party scene really rather soon. Load up on mace while you still have the chance, girls.