For years, Heather Mills has been looking for a way to combine her two loves of only talking about herself and slagging off the British press whenever she can – her solution was to phone 999 several times each day to slag off the press to the police.

By doing this, all of Heather Mills’ basic urges were sated. When she called 999, Heather Mills could express exactly how she was feeling, talk to the police about her hatred of the British press and – since the police aren’t members of the British press – Heather Mills didn’t have to worry about her words being turned into all kinds of ‘Boo-Hoo I Hate Journalists Says One-Legged Idiot’ headlines in the following day’s newspapers. Only problem is that, earlier this week, Heather Mills phoned the police up so many times in a single day that now the police want Heather Mills to put an effing sock in it.