If there is anything we've learnt from reality television, it's that over-indulged, narcissistic, burnt out celebrities from decades ago can find true love at least for the duration of one season of crap television.
We've seen such miracles on the first season of VH1's Flavor of Love, where Flavor Flav enchanted classy broads with his over-sized clock necklace and gold-capped teeth like a drunken cupid. We know that Flav and his new lady, Deelishis, will live happily ever after as long as the booze keeps flowing and the cameras keep rolling.
We can't wait to see the next instalment of Flavor of Love in which Poison frontman Bret Michaels seeks similarly icky happiness in VH1's Rock of Love. Shhh… If you listen closely you can hear soccer moms everywhere rejoice as they fantasise like they did 20 years ago about Bret Michaels pouring some sugar on them in the name of love. And the ladies won't be disappointed because the former 80s bit of man-hunk that they swooned over with their side ponytails and legwarmers is looking just as rad as he did back before he had to sell out for money.
The list of socially diverse candidates vying for Bret's love on Rock Of Love include a Hooters waitress and Miss Hooters Illinois 2002. In fact. we think there was a lot of wasted time and resources on VH1's part if they went looking for contestants anywhere else besides a Hooters restaurant.
Some other contestant highlights include Brandi M. who can fit her fist in her mouth, Heather who 'has been in several catfights because women are always jealous of her', and Mia whose back is double-jointed and can drive a tractor. It's tough to say who we think will win the love of Bret Michaels because they all pretty much have 'long-term commitment' written all over them. You can enjoy these fine ladies and more when the show airs July 15 on VH1.
Now, before we part we'd like to take a moment from our usual disdain-laced entertainment blogging to issue a public service announcement. Please, young celebrity stars and starlets, look to your elders and plan for the future. If you're not careful, you'll end up broke and have to sell your face-lifted soul to VH1 for a reality series that will show everyone just how far from any sense of reality you really are.
This plea is as much for our welfare as yours because we're the ones who have to watch it. And we will watch it because it's impossible not to slow down and look at the car wreck not matter how hard we try not to.
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“…Bret Michaels pouring some sugar on them in the name of love…”
That was Def Leppard. Poison implored the ladies to “talk dirty to me”.
It’s sad that I know this….
D.
Dallas,
I knew it too, but will we watch? I hope not. At least not until it becomes a huge gigantic hit, like the pathetic and disturbing Flavor of Love. I only saw a couple of partial episodes, it sure is a train wreck. Unfortunately, the damn reruns are lasting forever! They are always on at all times of the day & night. Now we have this to skip over too. Fabluous, thanks VH1 for all the quality programming.
I was on AskANinja.com the other day listening to the Ninja give dos and don’ts for being a ninja…this one comes to mind.
NINJAS DO: Remember the name of every poisonous snake that bites.
NINJAS DON’T: Remember the name of every song by Poison…they bite.