Pointless Victoria Beckham All Upset For Being Called Pointless

Man, it must really hard being famous. You know, if we had half the status of someone like Jonathan King, we’d be quite happy to give up what we do and totally exploit our fame to rake in every penny possible. Then we could afford to rent out a private yacht and hire out foreign prostitutes to cater for our every need. 

Someone who has done such a thing is the human stick-insect Victoria Beckham. You know, she used to sing and prance around in the once popular band The Spice Girls. Since the Spice Girls broke up, each member has managed to gradually fade away into obscurity. But not Victoria Beckham. She managed to cling on to her fame by marrying a footballer! But now she’s feeling the stress of it all. Aww, lets get the violins out. Really, it must be hard being tagged as 'famous' when you’re only really known for pouting in newspapers. Let’s look at the so-called famous megastar that is Victoria Beckham.

Can Victoria Beckham sing? Well, if you count the studio trickery, then it's debatable. But what about dancing? Hmm, pointing your finger and shaking your arse doesn’t quite cut it in our book, though on a drunken hecklerspray night out it’ll do fine for us. Just come round our gaff around Christmas, love, and all will be forgiven. Well, unless you fail to get the first/ second/ third/ fourth/ fifth round in. 

So what’s gone and pissed off Victoria Beckham this time? Unfortunately, some horrible people have said some cruel and nasty words about Victoria! We know, we literally shed a tear when we heard the news, too. Apparently, some people in America think she’s overrated! Bloody hell, what would make them think such a thing? Donning our best detective flat cap, we think we have come to the bottom of this mystery. Her beloved husband who definitely never slept with his PA is best known for being a footballer who flogs off all sort of shit on the side when he’s not out via injures from muscle tears or knackered bones. From Pepsi to razors, David will flog the lot for a price of course. Probably because he knows his footballing days are numbered.  

David Beckham! Days numbered? What! How can you say that? Well, when you’re flogged to a country where football is considered a game for women and children, it doesn’t take a lot to realise that the move from Real Madrid was done to salvage his career and make him look like a decent footballer. Pretty easy seeing as most Americans wouldn’t know what to do with a “soccer” ball if it had instructions written across it on a hamburger wrapper. But what does his wife do? Er… nothing as we can tell.  

So hooray for Victoria Beckham! Now and then she gets to be pregnant and pop out a kid with a stupid name like Romeo, Brooklyn or Cruz. But what could be better then having a crap TV show, being chased by pigs and dressing like a Nazi? Nothing apparently. Someone close to Victoria has been quoted as saying she has:

"the weight of the world is on her shoulders."

We’re sorry. It must be hard doing fuck-all for a living while your husband rakes in all the money. Really, it must be so hard doing nothing all day apart from throwing parties for people across the Hollywood A-list. Maybe Victoria Beckham should swap her life with some children in Africa who literally have to fight for their lives everyday. No, of course not, don’t be silly, we’re being much too harsh. A colleague of Victoria's is quoted as saying:

"She's looking dreadful… Her skin's bad again and she's so thin and worn out."

Oh get the fucking hankies out. Her skin is knackered! It's not even like she has full access to various bollocks treatments and magic cures. Oh what a shame no-one likes you, we really are so upset. So much so that we plan to film a screaming Britney Spears-style defence video to protect our national treasure. Ever since Diana died, we guess we need someone to pointlessly idolise. 

Read more:

Posh's Stress Is Making Her Ill - Now