The Duck Dynasty family claim to be lovers of all things hunting and Jesus. They cover themselves in doe piss so they can kill their dinner, and then pray over the dead carcass before they chow down. They are also funny in a backwoods, “Gosh we are SO dang country!” way, which is why their show has become so incredibly popular.
And while it isn’t surprising to learn that patriarch, Phil Robertson, isn’t a fan of homosexuality, it’s his incredibly hateful and ignorant interview with GQ magazine that has caused a massive shit storm. Oh, he also doesn’t really believe that the civil right’s movement needed to happen, because every black guy he encountered picking cotton in the fields with him was super duper thrilled to be a human slave!
Someone’s publicist obviously didn’t do their job right before this interview was printed.
Phil Robertson did an interview with GQ magazine because they are trying to fill their non-metrosexual quota last minute. The interviewer, Drew Margary, trekked all the way to the swampy woodland that is the Robertson home to do the piece. Phil took him hunting of course, because what interview isn’t complete without participating in an unfair attack on Bambi’s mom.
Within a few minutes of talking, the bullshit and the insanity just started falling out of Robertson’s mouth. Let’s tackle his “No Homos Allowed” rant.
“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”
Ok, now you could look at this part and say to yourself that Phil is simply expressing that he just doesn’t get why anyone would be gay. He loves himself some vagina, and he just cannot wrap his head around a little butt sex. While not the most PC statement, it’s not terribly offensive. But then Robertson just has to keep going to the point where the line of acceptability is a mere haze in the horizon.
“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”
And here we go with the total fuckery. Because being a dude and loving another dude is totes the same thing as butt fucking a sheep. I don’t know if you all knew this, but homosexuality is also known as the “gateway” sin, and as soon as us heathens start saying that it’s okay, we are basically two fuck ups away from letting pedophilia and blowing up churches become legal.
But don’t worry, while Phil has no problem letting you know he thinks you are a disgusting sodomite who is going to burn for eternity in the fire depths of hell, he won’t exactly be mean to your face about it. Teaching hateful beliefs is the Christian thing to do, but being a meanie meanie poo poo face is not part of the job description.
“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?”
Did you hear that Anderson Cooper? You may be just as terrible as Osama Bin Laden, but the Robertson’s will leave all the judging up to the Big Guy Upstairs! Yay for you!
“All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.”
I am just going to respond to that with the words “The Crusades” and say that Phil’s major in college was obviously not history.
As if Phil didn’t offend enough people, he decided he also wanted to let everyone know that he thinks the Civil Rights movement was a joke and totally unnecessary. He saw black people singing tunes and smiling, therefore all that talk of racism was about as real as a fairy tale.
“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field…. They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!… Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”
Oh, so because Phil Robertson didn’t see the complete mistreatment and abuse that people of color had to endure, that obviously means it never happened. And I guess they were “Godly” in his eyes since it was his Christian brethren who advocated for owning people as slaves, since that is what their dear old Bible said was the right thing to do. So of course they were Godly, they were fulfilling their part of being human property! Makes so much sense!
And they probably never talked shit about white people in front of him because they knew their asses would end up tarred and hanged because they didn’t have that right. They weren’t allowed the same free speech rights that Robertson so happily employs.
In the aftermath, A&E has suspended Phil “indefinitely” over the issue, and has come out to say that they of course do not share the beliefs and they love all the queers, queens, and carpet munchers. And not totally surprisingly, a bunch of ignorant assholes have come out yelling that A&E is violating Phil’s freedom of speech rights, and campaigning for his return. You know how I know they are all wrong? This bitch is on their side.
Free speech is endangered species; those "intolerants" hatin' & taking on Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing personal opinion take on us all
— Sarah Palin (@SarahPalinUSA) December 19, 2013
If Sarah Palin and you are on the same team, you are on the wrong team. End of story.
Look, we get it. There are a ton of conservative Christians who still believe being gay is some sinful choice that people make and they’re probably going to burn in hell because that’s what they misread in the Bible. And thanks to our Constitution, you have the right to believe that and openly say it, even if does make you sound like an asshole. What people seem to forget is that while you have the right to say that kind of shit without fear of being thrown in the pokey, you don’t have immunity from losing your job or having the world call you an asshole. So A&E has every right to suspend Phil Robertson for the shit he said and anyone who wants to call Robertson a hateful pathetic homophobe is also within their right.
Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences of speech. Kiss the rainbow, Phil.