Phil Collins Retires From Everything

This might come as a shock to those of you who thought that Phil Collins had already retired, but here goes – Phil Collins has just retired.

At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.

So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.

This is turning into quite the week. First the Red Hot Chili Peppers announce their split – albeit temporarily – and now Phil Collins has decided to retire from performing as well. Quick, everyone close your eyes and concentrate as hard as you can – there’s obviously some sort of supernatural wish fulfillment thing going on here and we don’t want it to run out before we’ve got rid of The Kooks and Razorlight as well.

Anyway, back to Phil Collins. He’s been so much to so many people over the years – a beardy tit, a bald tit, a drumming tit, a singing tit, an acting tit, an emotionally immature tit, a tit in a rubbish band, a tit with a rubbish solo career, a Tory tit, a tax-dodging tit – that he’s become ingrained in the public consciousness, like a tick. Like a bald tick. A bald tick who only idiots like. That looks a bit like Bob Hoskins.

So trying to imagine a world without Phil Collins is almost impossible, at least until you realise that he released his last non-soundtrack, non-compilation album six years ago, that he’s lived in Switzerland for a decade and that he’s about as culturally relevant as a penny farthing made of turnips. Then it becomes surprisingly easy.

Nevertheless, Phil Collins announced his retirement while accepting his International Achievement prize at yesterday’s Ivor Novello awards in London. According to The Mirror:

The Genesis frontman was awarded the International Achievement gong and during an emotional speech said “the timing was appropriate” to stop performing as he had decided to concentrate on bringing up his two young sons in Switzerland. He joked the gorilla which played the drums in a TV chocolate advert to his hit In The Air Tonight, could take his place in Genesis. However, the 57-year-old said he would continue to write, adding: “Thank you very much and goodnight as it were.”

However, don’t let this vicious bald predator lull you into a false sense of security – Phil Collins has been threatening to retire for ages now, and yet he always seems to pop up again, whether it’s for a cartoon soundtrack or a sly Genesis reunion. So we shouldn’t relax too much yet, although his words did seem pretty final.

Other winners at the Ivor Novello awards included… oh, it’s no good. How could we possibly be able to think of anything else now that Phil Collins has decided to leave us? We’re heartbroken. Shocked and stunned and heartbroken and… no, wait, we were getting Phil Collins confused with Bob Hoskins again. Bob Hoskins isn’t retiring is he? No? Just Phil Collins? Oh, well in that case we’re alright with it.

Read more:

Phil Collins announces retirement at Ivor Novello Awards – Mirror


  1. euclid says

    If he’s retiring from doing nothing, then we should
    look for him to bring out another annoying album fairly soon.

  2. Gilbert Wham says

    Fuck, no. Every used vinyl shop in the world already has more copies of ‘No Jacket Required’ than is good for it. To allow another such crime is unimaginable.

  3. Smole says

    They should all that vinyl to make third world housing. Though, I stand by the fact he is a kick arse drummer.