Peter Crouch Allegedly Humps Teenage Hooker, Gets Screamed At

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Tell you what, though, we’ve never wanted to guzzle a tube of Pringles more than we do right this instant.

We blame Peter Crouch. During the World Cup, we couldn’t really see the point of his relentless Pringles promotion. ‘Eat Pringles and be more like me’, Peter Crouch seemed to be saying – which is frankly ridiculous, because who’d want to be like that idiot? But now we’re going to eat as many Pringles as possible, because we’ve changed our minds – we want to be just like Peter Crouch.

Why? Because according to the News Of The World, Peter Crouch allegedly shags teenage Algerian prostitutes, that’s why. He’s living the dream, at least the dream of anyone who’s ever wanted to have it off with a teenage Algerian prostitute. True, it might spell the end of his relationship with Abi Clancy, but who cares about that? Peter Crouch has got teenage Algerian prostitutes now. They make a beautiful couple.

We’re so jealous of Premiership footballers. They get to have all the fun, whether it involves puking up on a hairdresser halfway through intercourse or notching up insultingly huge gambling debts or making 5,000 golden iPods and then melting them down again because everyone hates you or whatever all that dumb crap that John Terry did was.

And it’s not just the normal-looking footballers that get all the fun – even the gangly, freakishly tall footballers who move about like marionettes controlled by sarcastic drunkards get all the fun. Just look at Peter Crouch. This weekend the News Of The World was reported that he cheated on girlfriend Abi Clancy with a 19-year-old Algerian prostitute in Madrid, which has to rank as one of the top three sexual fantasies of any red-blooded man who enjoys paying for grimly efficient sex with Algerian teenagers.

And, unsurprisingly, Abi Clancy isn’t particularly thrilled about the accusations. The Sun reports:

A pal of the couple said: “She screamed at him calling him every name under the sun. Crouchy’s a big lad but she made him feel 2ft tall. He was pleading with her to forgive him, saying he still loved her like crazy. She yelled ‘You b******, how could you do this to me?’ She feels hurt, angry and humiliated and is considering whether they have a future.”

To be fair to Abi Clancy, it must be difficult knowing whether to stay with Peter Crouch or not. Because, yes, he may have had grotty sex with a teenage Algerian prostitute, but he’s also the love of her life. Maybe Peter Crouch can win Abi’s affections back with a grand romantic gesture, like a surprise holiday or a wedding or his continued ability to earn tens of thousands of pounds every single week. Something that can really appeal to her heart, you know?

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Comments

  1. Dazza's kneecap says

    I heard something about teenage algerian prostitutes around here. Can I get a teenage algerian prostitute?

    Please?

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