Pete Doherty Will Play Your Party For £100
February 8th, 2008 at 11:30 by Stuart Heritage
Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.
If so, you're in luck - apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.
We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer's dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child's birthday party, it'd be an event they'd remember forever. True, they'd mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can't say that's not memorable.
It's not a new thing for entertainers to play private functions. George Michael charges £1.5 million for a private concert, while Christina Aguilera and Shakira are also happy to accept vast sums of cash to jiggle their bits for wealthy Russians. Pete Doherty, on the other hand, has been reduced to playing parties for £100 a pop. And somehow that still feels like a rip-off.
Even though it's basically a slightly upscale version of giving 50p to a tramp even though he'll inevitably run off and spend it on drugs, The Sun reports that Pete Doherty recently played a concert for a girl's party and now he's in hot demand:
A source said: "The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan and that he’d give him £100 to perform at her party. Pete was flattered and happy to oblige. He turned up and played his big hits. Everyone had a great time. Some partygoers asked him when he was going to start making dogs out of balloons. He took it in good humour. It made her day and now she’s a very popular girl with her pals. Her dad told the local paper and Pete has been bombarded with requests to play since."
OK, we can see a few problems with this story:
1) It assumes that Pete Doherty turned up for concert and managed to play his guitar for a decent length of time without collapsing, puking on his shoes or squirting blood into someone's eye. Everyone knows this has never happened.
2) The girl is apparently now 'popular with her pals' because Pete Doherty played at her party. If this is true, then we'd guess she has some ridiculously easily-impressed friends who'd have been just as thrilled if she'd simply hung some brightly-coloured objects from string in front of a window instead.
3) 'Pete played his big hits.' Like what? Name one big Pete Doherty hit. Hum one. You can't. Unless The Sun meant hits of heroin, of course. £100 to watch a grubbily vague man painfully reenact his harrowing descent into the clutches of morbid drug addiction in front of some children? OK, actually that does sound like quite the bargain.
But regardless of this, you have to admit that £100 is not a lot of money at all to get a man of Pete Doherty's notoriety to turn up at your party. But if Pete wants to maximise on this sudden popularity, he'd better move fast - by mid-March we're pretty sure we'll be able to get Amy Winehouse to do the same thing for 20p and a Curly Wurly.
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February 8th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
What is this? A doherty put-down storey? It certainly isn’t a news article. If you’ve never heard a libertines song then where have you must have been under a rock for the last decade. hummm hummm hummm. Carry on listening to manufactured, patronising pop rubbish and leave the rock icon news to someone else.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Oh look, another pointless piece of ‘news’. The writers of this trash don’t realise that beneath the tabloid hype around the drugs and anarchy, there is s glimpse or two of pure genius. Sure, he may be a drug addict, but if you’ve ever heard a Libertines record, you’ll know heroin is not his specialist subject.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
fuckin:
Time for heroes,
Can’t Stand Me Now,
What A Waster,
Don’t Look Back Into The Sun,
Can’t Stand Me Now,
What Became Of The Likely Lads
Fuck Forever,
Albion,
Pipedown,
Killamangiro,
The Blinding,
Delivery,
You Talk,
French Dog Blues,
Carry On Up The Morning,
There She Goes,
The Lost Art Of Murder.
Never heard of any of them?
If not, then you obviously listen to Leona Lewis?
Fag.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
oooo give it a rest. all three of dohertys fans read hecklerspray. Or do you just google him every ten minutes so you can leave snidey comments on all websites that post a story about him? haven’t you all got a crack pipe to be smoking somewhere?
PS i have heard those songs and they are shit. and just because the author hates his music DOES NOT mean he listens to Leona Lewis… Rihanna is much better, eh stu?
February 8th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Can’t Stand Me Now, What A Waster, Don’t Look Back Into The Sun: a trio of decent pop songs. Not revolutionary, mould-breaking or amazing. Just … okay.
The rest? They’ve been heard, Banks. They’ve been assessed. And they’re fucking rubbish.
February 9th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
yeah fuck off im 14
February 9th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
i also listen to leona lewis
February 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I LIKE NEW MONKEY MATTEEEEEE
February 10th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
yeah i agree!!! totally !!!rather than oh isnt it nice that fans can have their favourite musician play at their party for 100 quid i am soo fucking having a party and getting pete to play how fucking amazing would that be
its just well hes obviously shit cos beyonce and shakira charge fucking millions and have fucking massive houses just cos they are fit as and can sing alright
wow im really going to connect with beyonce and shakira cos…they write their own songs about real life things yeah??
and fucking have instruments that have been played by talented people too yeah??
thanks i love this article im guna print it out and stick it on my wall
yeah? ?????
yeah???
oh and i like the libertines and babyshambles so therefore i am a crack addict woop for me
February 13th, 2008 at 10:51 am
My favourite drug is crack cos’ it’s just soooooo Moorish!
Yes this article is definitely one for the scrap book of things I must remember always.
I have never heard of the libertines or any of those songs i’m afraid…the rock i’ve been living under for the past decade didn’t come with a stereo.
Don’t you just hate these junkie musicians who write and play music just for the love of it? I mean he has an opportunity to make a lot of money but he cares more about his fans than dosh! What this world need is more patronising, regurgitated, money making music designed for a 13 year olds taste in music.
Bloody fan loving, British music saving, inspiring, ROCK ICONIC LOOSER!
February 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Ahh, Mr. Bones, you’ve knocked it straight on the mandible.
ROCK ICONIC LOOSER, indeed. Looser and looser, in fact,
until completely undone, which sonically would be preferable,
and tedious-junkie-news-storywise a godsend.
We calls it ‘dissipation’ and Mr. McD is the dissipatingest.
Man oh man, he’s so There he’s nowhere to be found…just atoms floating
freely in the untrammeled space between the ears of Ms. Moss.
Now THAT’S Liberty, friends. Then PD, future Libertarian, can
move to LA and hang w/ D-Beck to not only be Nowhere but learn
the art of being Nothing as well. Because the imitation-
Jesus thing’s gone sour but Nobody can touch the Buddha
immaterialitywise, right? Now that cat’s looser.
February 14th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Salut euclid. Parlez-vous anglais?
February 14th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
I believe Mr. Euclid speaks English very well, Billy. Infact, his regular - and very welcome - comments display an Amis-like level of articulate rage and wit far beyond the grasp of simpletons like yourself who consider dear old P-Doh some sort of ‘visionary’.
Now, haven’t you got homework to do?
February 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
O I am so sorry dear boy…please accept my most sincere apologies for trying to portrey such wit as to patronise your colossal mind of o so above average intelligence. For I am merely a peasant among the great.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Portray
February 14th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Big up Big Bones! . . . .and Banks. Don’t you just hate it when these superior twats start commenting on anything in such a way to see their poetic grammar saved on a website?! The fuckers whose smug little grins we can but imagine as they press submit!
I’m not into Pete Doherty - heard of those songs but didn’t know what band they were written by before now. Articles like this with comments provided by people whose mothers are snow blowers almost make me change my viewpoint coz they is all cock smoking monkey pole dancers
February 14th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I’m sure you have a point/argument in there somewhere, Tam. Let us know if you ever find it.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Cheap shot Davies.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Bill Bones is cool and so is Banks and C J Davies is stupid. Oh I mean clever, clever. I bet CJ Davies passed the 11 +. What’s my point, erm. . . , shit I will find it somewhere. No, it’s gone. Must be the crack that CJ Davies washes up for a living. That’s just wrong you hear
February 14th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
But one which hit the illiterate target, eh?
February 14th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Tam, I agreed with you on some extent with the Anna Nicole thing. Then I came down off my Relpax.
So let me get this straight. It’s not okay to poke fun and insult celebrities, but it’s okay to flame those that do. Isn’t that called being a hypocrite? And for some reason you seem to flame at those who reply to Hecklerspray’s posts. Scared of being banned off the website for going bat-shit crazy at the posting authors?
Besides, why even come on here if it’s only going to cause you to become so angry? All you need to do is go back to hell and get laid.
And get some psychiatry help because you have MAJOR issues.
Excuse me, I need to get a super-smug grin on my face while I press submit…
February 15th, 2008 at 9:29 am
No one likes a smart arse. Least of all you. Who asked you anyway? Pompous arse Davies.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:17 am
You are fabulously volatile! Getting laid - you are American yes? You never answered how old one is in 3rd grade?! I get bored at work which is why it’s fun to look at this website and write crap about whatever. Do you not have sex regularly or something. . . or not go out as 2 suggestions you made about me in this story and the Anna Nicole one??! Do these issues pop into your mind as relevent to these comments or are you just bitching for the sake of fun?! Like me mentioning your mum and cock-smoking money pole dancer.
Right, what if I were to say - I’m sure you have lots of sex, have a wicked social life with lots of nice friends - without sarcasm. Does that make you able to sit back and laugh about this futile shit as we all should?!
I love the fact you said ‘go back to hell’! I gotta quote you on that one. Do you honestly think I take these arguments seriously? Do you, really?! Would you go to a pub (or bar!) with your friends and talk about Anna Nicole Smith and Pete Doherty?! Doubtful.
I don’t believe in real life these issues would cause either of us to kick the living shit out of eachother! Plus, suggesting I am scared of posting authors almost makes me go all McFly Back to the Future when Biff calls him chicken!!
Fuck off twats who write the bollocks shit cunting articles - is that ok?
It’s Friday mate and there are no arguments for me unless I drink wine tonight and become psychotic.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I agree. These Doherty fan haters are so uptight their poo comes out like spaghetti. Wholemeal spaghetti.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Dear C J Davies -
But one which hit the illiterate target, eh?
What the fuck does that mean you obscure genius?!!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:15 am
He’s trying to say that I am illiterate. However I think he is a bit confused because if I were illiterate then how would I write these comments?
O dear…I don’t think he knows what illiteracy is. Life can be so confusing sometimes can’t it Davies. Bless
February 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Well Bill, that’s what I was getting at. Davies seems to believe he is very clever, very, very clever indeed. However . . . mst3kster - if that is in fact his / her real name is either well up for a fight or should calm it the fuck down, agree that sex and ‘going out’! are not mutually exclusive or allude either of us entirely and furthermore, agree that The Cure got it right (Friday, I’m in Love!). I think it would be cool if mst3kster brought it back down like I have!!! - Or meet me outside the sun rooms pub tonight in Southend on Sea, Essex, England! I’m hard as fuck. . .he he he. Well???!!!!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Comma between however and I. Hyphen between because and if and illiterate and then to ease construction of sentence. ‘O’ should be spelt ‘oh.’ Comma between confusing and sometimes. Question mark after Davies. Full stop after bless.
Cunt.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
O no. I’ve really touched a nerve there.
I’d better stop commenting because this spelling and grammar correcting is ruining my reputation as a literacy genius.
I would have thought a man/woman of your greatness would never stoop so low as to use the ‘C’ word. Shameful (full stop)
February 15th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I can not believe C J Davies is still givin’ it to Bill !! It’s not an english exam you twat. If you use all that correct grammar shit when you text your friends (if you text your friends / if you have friends to text - ?) You must bore the shit out of them. Get off your mum’s lap and take the piss out of yourself for a laugh. I dare you . . . . !
I’m a bitch who thinks she can get away with anything and I’m lazy, self-indulgent and irresponsible. GO DAVIES . . . . . YOUR TURN !!!!
February 15th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
If by ‘touched a nerve’ you mean ‘induced despair at the cretin-like inadequacy of individuals who seem to prop up their stupidity and laziness with a bizarre sense of pride’, then, yes, you’re absolutely right.
By the way: anyone who reads this site regularly will know that I’m fully aware of ‘taking the piss out of myself.’ Just within the established parameters of the English language, that’s all.
In essence, Bill and Tam … you’re just not very bright, are you?
February 15th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I is werry brite bit u cannt underspand coz u tri 2 reed dis @ der smmame tym wen u r wankin inder miwwor. Gave you a chance to be decent, but oh no, you gutless, self-important geek. Big up, big up, big up. You is too cool. Too clever for me anyway. I’m really emabarrassed.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
No, I mean I have obviously said something that you feel rather self-conscious about and you have got a bit hot and bothered. Yes, I am absolutely right though - thanks for pointing that out.
I never referred to stupidity or laziness. Are you even paying attention Mr. I’mohsobrighterthaneveryoneelseDavies? Roll that up with a page from your dictionary and smoke it!
February 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
‘prop up their stupidity and laziness with a bizarre sense of pride’
Oh man - I just noticed that Davies had put something funny down in that otherwise boring, overly-long sentence!
Do you 1. Have Small Man Syndrome?
2. Suffer extreme inner-torment at the prospect of coming out the closet which causes your bitterness and desperate need to point out inadequacies’ of others (Being gay isn’t wrong or dirty Davies)
OR
3. Have sex with your mother?
There is nothing wrong with a sense of pride, be it bizarre in your eyes or not. What’s most fun is that our pride is enhanced by your incessant need to call us stupid in every way you can!
Let it be, let it be, calm the fuck down with your patronising shit and let it be, but please don’t shag your mother, let it be
February 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I’m struck by the paucity of imagination in these insults.
They seem to invariably invoke bodily functions. Are you Greek?
Too much Benny Hill in the formative years? Anyhow.
tam, while there is no mandate for coherence in posting,
it might make for a nice change. This is like trying to find plot
in a Pollock.
Oh, and I’ll save you some time…Since my mother’s passed on
we have continued to have sex regularly, with each other, with ourselves
(necromasturbation is all the rage you know) with the postman,
with the pets, both living and deceased, etc. Oh and we always cover
ourselves in shit before, during and especially after. (I know, I know,
my tone is all wrong here, but I think I’ve hit the major points.)
ps. Yes, we are shut-ins. I am fat, bald, lazy, stupid, arrogant, and
entirely misled , nearsighted, have halitosis such that the paint
has long since peeled from the walls, have a club foot, was born
with my spine 3 feet outside my gnarled body, and my dead parents
were war criminals who dined off the backs of immigrant children
most of whom were either retarded or failed their O-levels.
Also, I whistle when I breath and fart when I sneeze. (whew! Got it
back to the body just in time.) Please feel compelled to addend,
as my advanced case of Korsokov’s has rendered my short-term
memory inoperable.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
euclid - you are wicked and do you write for a living because you quite clearly should. . . . and this shit week job assignment bollocks is over for me in 10 minutes. These little message boards are great for killing time at work inbetween applying for jobs I really want! Yay. Fabulous weekend y’all
February 15th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
OMG OMG Euclid, stop using those long words innit, they are well confusing!!!!!1111
February 15th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Aaaack! I forgot ‘drug-addled’! Please forgive.
(especially you P-Doh fans)
And Berryman’s Bones, whither thine withering repartee?
Cornwall, here I come!
February 15th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Obviously this article is biased, but it reflects the popular opinion- you do drugs you MUST be a bad person, now i’m not saying that either Pete or drugs are good. I don’t know about either, but it seems to me that if you’re going to be a twat, you’re going to be a twat drugs or not and lets be honest, the drugs are the basis for most peoples opinion on Pete.
We’re loosing sight of the point, he played a party for a fan’s birthday and it made her happy. Kudos for that. How many other stars would do that?