Mediocre junkie Pete Doherty (CDs) has revealed to an ever-more-disinterested world that he is being kept under "24 hour surveillance", presumably by shadowy agents of government conspiracy.

Pete announced this during an appearance at the Ivor Novello awards, during which he wore a cray-zee straw hat and had "black marker pen scrawled all over his face" – a move which the NME editorial staff would hail as ‘genius’ and which everyone else would hail as ‘pathetic sixth-form attention-craving.’

"I found a bug, a hidden camera in my house," Pete babbled. "I don’t want to talk about it. It’s being investigated."

While Pete is understandably a little paranoid about unwanted attention – witness his constant targeting by that chubby lunatic in Channel Four’s Stalking Pete Doherty – hecklerspray remains baffled as to who would actually want to spy on the ex-Libertines (CDs) dropout?

The National Over-rated Celebrity Observation Squad, perhaps? The Secret Federation Of Poetry-Scribbling Gothic Schoolgirls? And what could these covert spymasters possibly hope to learn from all of this? Every single tiresome move Master Doherty makes is already accompanied by the flash of a thousand camerabulbs.

Of course, people are going to call hecklerspray’s attitude immature. But you’re giving Doherty exactly the sort of media attention you so scarborously criticise! they’ll probably say. To which we respond: fair point. But at least we take a distinctly non-fawning approach. And we’re not immature. No way. And anyone who says we are is a bum-faced wee-wee-head.

Pete later went to describe how enraptured he is with twiglady Kate Moss, the world’s most famous groupie (oh, apart from Courtney Love (CDs /DVDs) and godawful more-haircut-than-human DJs the Queens Of Noize).

"We argue about crayons", Pete said of Moss’s daughter Lila. "We like singing and dancing."

There you have it, folks. The voice of a generation …

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[story by C  J Davies]